You keep your worries to yourself. You smooth over conflict instead of facing it. When a friend asks how you are, you say you’re fine, even when you are not. None of this feels like a choice; it feels like simply how you are.
As a psychologist who has specialized in childhood emotional neglect for decades, I have come to recognize this pattern and the quiet beliefs underneath it in many warm and capable people. Here are seven of those beliefs. As you read them, put a mental check mark next to any that feel true to you.
- Sharing your feelings with others will make you look weak.
- It’s best not to fight if you want to have a good relationship.
- Sharing your feelings or troubles with another person burdens them.
- Talking about a problem isn’t helpful. Only action solves a problem.
- Sharing your feelings or troubles with another person will chase them away.
- Letting others see your weaknesses puts you at a disadvantage.
- If you let other people see how you feel, they will use it against you.
As you read the list of beliefs above, did any jump out at you? Was there one, or two, or more, that you thought, “Hey, that one’s not false!”?
If so, you are not alone. Many people go through their lives following some or all of these guidelines, and these rules can hold a person back. These beliefs have the power to keep you emotionally distant from others, damage your friendships and marriage, and leave you feeling alone in the world.
The beliefs are typically rooted in your childhood. They are often messages passed down from one generation to another. They take root in your mind and live there, sometimes outside of your awareness.
How Childhood Emotional Neglect Teaches You the False Beliefs
These ideas tend to thrive in any family that struggles with emotions, either by over- or under-expressing them. They’re so common among folks who grew up with childhood emotional neglect that they’re included in my book, Running on Empty. All of the beliefs are based on false notions of how emotions work.
Childhood emotional neglect is not about what your parents did to you. It’s about what did not happen: the absence of having your emotional needs noticed and validated by others. Most emotionally neglectful parents are doing their best, and many were raised in the very same way. It’s often no one’s fault. But when you grow up this way, you learn to treat your own feelings as a problem, and these beliefs are some of the lessons you carry out the door and into adulthood.
If you grew up in a family that didn’t understand how to manage, express, or talk about emotion, you probably didn’t learn how or when to share or be vulnerable. You may have learned that it’s actually wrong to communicate about these things.
And there’s a good chance that some of the seven beliefs were communicated to you, either directly or indirectly.
The 7 False Beliefs Made True
- Letting people see your feelings usually makes them like you more. It also fosters intimacy.
- The hallmark of a strong, healthy relationship or friendship is the ability to have conflict, process it together, and work through it together. Fighting is often a sign of closeness.
- Sharing your feelings or troubles with the right person at the right time does not burden them. It increases warmth and caring from the other person.
- Talking about a problem with a well-chosen person can help you with your perspective, feel less burdened, sort out your feelings and thoughts, and sometimes even find solutions.
- Sharing your feelings or troubles with the right person will help them feel closer to you.
- Letting another person see your weakness does not put you at a disadvantage unless the other person is the type to take advantage of you. Be aware of who you’re letting in. The huge majority of people will not take advantage.
- If you let someone see how you feel, they will know and understand you better, and that’s a good thing. The only exception is if they are actively trying to hurt you. Generally, if there are people like this in your life, you know who they are. Do not share with them.
How to Change Your Beliefs From False to True
- Choose your people carefully. Who you open your heart to matters, whether a friend or lover. Focus on integrity, trust, and care. Pay attention to the other person’s intentions. None of the true beliefs apply if the person is not trustworthy.
- Timing is everything. We all underestimate the importance of timing. Choose your moment, taking into account the other person’s mood, needs, and situation. The same message can have a very different impact at the wrong time versus the right one.
- Take chances. There is no intimacy without vulnerability. To change these beliefs, you will have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations.
- The Costanza Experiment. Remember the Seinfeld episode when George decided to go through an entire week doing the opposite of what he would normally do? (If you’re under 40, you may not have seen it, but the concept will still work for you.) This would mean doing the opposite of what you normally do when it comes to sharing your feelings. Tell your friend about your work worries instead of keeping them to yourself. Share your financial stress with your brother instead of pretending everything’s fine. Fight it out with your spouse instead of avoiding the conflict.
Take a chance, and see what happens. The false beliefs will begin to melt away as you experience the value of trust, openness, and closeness. Your relationships will thrive, and a whole new world will open up to you.
A version of this post also appears on emotionalneglect.com
© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.
