In the U.S., approximately two million marriages occur annually. Some quick calculus reveals that these marriages create, on average, 8 million in-law relationships, not accounting for step-in-law relationships or other “in-law-esque” bonds like a parent’s long-term dating or cohabiting partner.
Given these numbers, it’s no surprise that in-law relationships are a popular topic on social media sites and relationally focused outlets. However, one trend on these platforms is focusing on the “other” in-law (e.g., your mother-in-law, your son-in-law) as the “problem” and being reactive to their behaviors instead of reflecting on your own role or agency in shaping in-law relationships proactively.
Two strategies that can help you develop positive in-law relationships are practicing introspection and authenticity. Introspection is reflecting on your own feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, whereas authenticity is behaving in ways that reflect your essential values and beliefs to be in alignment with your “true self.” Together, these two principles can help you reflect and act on your own role in shaping your in-law relationships, hopefully for the better.
Below are four tips for practicing introspection and authenticity in your in-law relationship:
1. Get Your Own “House” in Order
Before you can develop healthy relationships with others, you need to have an authentic relationship with yourself. One way to do this is to objectively evaluate your strengths and weaknesses and self-reflect on your insecurities.
Reflecting on these issues provides you with a lens to view your own role in your in-law relationship and how you contribute to the relational culture. For instance, a mother-in-law feeling threatened by her daughter-in-law “replacing” her or a son-in-law getting upset anytime his father-in-law offers a suggestion reveals a sensitive spot in the individual that needs repair.
Sometimes, you may be able to do this alone and reframe the behaviors once you realize the root cause of your own reaction (e.g., “I have some insecurities that make me reactive to feedback or suggestions from others, and now that I am aware of that, I can view my father-in-law’s comments as helpful rather than critical”), while other times you may need to work with a licensed therapist to help you heal.
2. Contextualize Your Relationship
In-law relationships don’t occur in a vacuum; they exist within a family system and a larger, cultural eco-system. Unfortunately, one look at TikTok influencers and movie and TV show titles (e.g., “Monster-in-Law”) focusing on in-law relationships shows you that in-laws are cast in a negative light, especially mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.
These negative experiences and messages have a profound impact on the expectations we bring to in-law relationships. These expectations frequently become a self-fulfilling prophecy; that is, our expectations and beliefs influence our actions and through these actions our original expectation (or belief) becomes true. For instance, if you believe your mother-in-law doesn’t like you, you may react negatively to everything she says, and eventually, she may become distant and cold to you, and your belief is confirmed.
When evaluating your in-law’s behavior it’s important to take a moment to reflect on how cultural “noise” telling you what in-law relationships are like (e.g., negative and acrimonious) or “should” be like are influencing your perceptions and actions versus what you’re feeling and experiencing.
3. Balance Intuition and Introspection
Many folks rely on intuition, “the ability to understand something instinctively, making an evaluation without any need for conscious reasoning or an explanation.” Intuition allows your brain to process information quickly, often using past experiences as a guide. Although this can be helpful, it’s important to recognize that it can also lead to biased evaluations of others. Therefore, it’s important to critically reflect on your intuition before making firm judgments about your in-law, especially if there is no current evidence to support your “gut instinct.”
For instance, one sister-in-law I talked to told me about the “bad vibes” she got from her brother-in-law the first time she met him. She felt he was fake and self-involved but couldn’t explain why, it was just a hunch. She, of course, bit her tongue and didn’t say anything, but over the years, her intuition was right because her brother-in-law only reaches out when he needs something, never asks her spouse about their life, and everything he does is for social media not building authentic connection. Conversely, I talked to a daughter-in-law who initially wrote off her mother-in-law based on her intuition that she was superficial and, as she explained, “surface nice, so people had a good impression of her, but not actually kind behind closed doors.” However, over their first years of marriage, the daughter-in-law’s intuition turned out to be wrong as her mother-in-law was genuinely caring and consistently showed up for and supported her.
Although intuition can be important, don’t let it dictate how your relationship unfolds without a little introspection first.
4. Be Authentic About the Relationship You Do (or Don’t) Want to Cultivate
There is a lot of pressure around in-law relationships. The expectations tend to fall on opposite poles—an in-law is either a “pseudo parent” or a sworn enemy. Like every relationship type, including biological family bonds, there is a lot of variation in in-law closeness, including tight-knit family ties, close friendships, as well as acquaintanceships, and even more distant or estranged relationships.
It’s important to reflect on what type of in-law relationship feels authentic to you, regardless of cultural or familial expectations, and pursue that. Also, be open to the relationship changing throughout its lifespan. Perhaps you want a more distant, acquaintance-like relationship with your in-law in the beginning, but over time feel a draw to cultivate a friendship or family bond. Or, perhaps you started out with a close-knit relationship but over the years have drifted apart.
Finally, it’s important to communicate your relational expectations with your in-law so there aren’t misunderstandings or hurt feelings. However, this can be a challenge, and understandably so; in the U.S., in-law relationships lack scripts to guide them, resulting in uncertainty about myriad issues including terms of address (e.g., mom, Mrs. Smith, Kathy), how frequently to talk or visit, and how to incorporate each other into our lives. However, open and honest communication can eliminate doubts and help foster positive in-law relationships.
Despite what popular culture tells you about in-law relationships, your in-law isn’t always the enemy and isn’t solely responsible for how your relationship unfolds. Being introspective and authentic can help you understand the agency you have in creating a positive relational climate with your in-laws.
