People do things that may irritate, upset, frustrate, or annoy us, or impose demands we feel are excessive or unreasonable. When conflicts flare up, they can lead to heated arguments, hurt feelings, and damaged relationships.
We can take a lesson from Stoic philosophers of ancient Greece and Rome and distinguish between what we can control and what we can’t. There are many applications of this maxim, such as recognizing that we can’t control everything that happens to us in life, but we can control how we respond to things. Our focus here is on another aspect of this teaching: We can’t control what others say or do, but we can control how we respond to them.
Even Marcus Aurelius, the 2nd-century Stoic philosopher whose day job was Emperor of Rome, realized he couldn’t control other people. He recognized that despite the fact that he was the most powerful ruler in the world, we all need to be aware of our limitations:
“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil . . . You can hold your breath until you turn blue, but they’ll still go on doing it.”
So we shouldn’t be surprised when others don’t measure up to our expectations. Other people have their own needs, wants, perspectives, and opinions. They don’t live in an orbit circulating around our needs and desires. Again from Marcus:
“When someone acts badly toward you, remember that he acts that way because he thinks it is right. It is not possible for him to act according to your judgment, but only according to his.”
So what can we do when people say or do things we feel are unreasonable, dumb, irritating, or just plain annoying? We can either let our feelings dictate our response, or we can try a different approach based on using two simple words—yes and but—to first acknowledge the other person’s feelings and then express our own.
The “Yes, But” Approach
The “yes, but” approach is a two-part form of self-assertion. First, there is the “yes” part, the acknowledgment and validation of the other person’s wants, needs, and feelings. Then comes the “but,” the expression of your own wants, needs, and feelings.
Many people struggle with communicating their own needs in ways that don’t make the other person feel defensive. They launch into their “but” list—itemizing the many reasons why they feel the other person is unreasonable or why they can’t do what the other person requests or wants. When a disagreement surfaces, they try to get their point across, perhaps even raising their voice, or speaking in a demanding or harsh tone, or adopting a dismissive attitude, all of which can fuel resentment in the other person. Before they know it, the couple is immersed in a heated argument and later may not even recall what the argument was about.
Basically, it’s not about disagreeing with each other, but how that disagreement is expressed, especially when one person feels the other is not respecting them or validating their feelings. What do you think happens when one person talks over another, looks past them, or just ignores, minimizes, or dismisses what the other person is asking or saying?
The key thing here is acknowledging and validating the other person’s feelings—the “yes” part of the process. It’s about making the other person feel heard, even when you disagree with what they are saying or asking. Let’s break it down into three basic steps:
1. Pause
Just stop. Take a moment before responding. When someone says something you find upsetting, quell your impulse to say the first thing that crosses your mind. Your mind may be preprogrammed by force of habit to respond with a negative response that may come across as sharp or pointed, making the other person feel unheard or rejected.
2. Reflect
Think before you respond. Don’t snap. One of my patients reported feeling irritated and annoyed whenever his wife interrupted him with an urgent request while he was working at home. He felt her requests were trivial in relation to the importance of his work and didn’t warrant an interruption.
But his response, “Can’t you see that I’m working?” was dismissive and disrespectful, which led to tension in their relationship that lasted throughout the day and sometimes for days afterward. So he agreed, and to good effect, to pause and reflect, recognizing that what was important to his wife may not be important to him, but still deserved to be recognized and respected.
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Just saying “yes” and then launching into the “but” doesn’t hack it. The “yes” must acknowledge the request, such as by saying: “Yes, I know that’s important . . . I hear what you’re saying.”
3. Respond
The husband in the case example took a moment, reflected, and responded by saying, “Yes, I understand what you’re saying, and I want to help. But can it wait until later when I finish my work? How about we set a time this afternoon to work on it?” Using words to this effect, the client reported that his wife expressed understanding, agreeing that the request could wait.
With the “yes, but” approach, you first validate the other person’s feelings and needs, but then express your own needs in a constructive way. Setting a specific time to focus on the other person’s request demonstrates that you are serious and not just brushing it off. But make sure that when the time comes, you follow up.
“Yes, but.” Two simple words that can make a big difference.
General Disclaimer: The content here and in other blog posts on the Minute Therapist is intended for informational purposes only and not for diagnosis, evaluation, or treatment of mental health disorders. If you are concerned about your emotional well-being or are experiencing any significant mental health problems, I encourage you to consult a licensed mental health professional in your area for a thorough evaluation.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
(c) 2025 Jeffrey S. Nevid
