It is difficult to deal with someone who has strong narcissistic tendencies because they rarely look at themselves or take responsibility. Instead, they unconsciously or subconsciously employ a cognitive distortion called the victim stance. This allows them to distort what happened, so they can see themselves as the innocent party in the interaction and you as the villain. Although you wholeheartedly disagree, the narcissist is adamant that their version is the correct one. Often this causes you to question your own sanity.
For example, Lisa and Amy are collaborating on a critical work project. Lisa completes her half of the project, but Amy is unable to finish her part by the deadline and makes several excuses. Lisa reminds herself to be patient and asks Amy if she can help. Amy agrees and permits Lisa to do some of the work. As the next deadline approaches, Lisa realizes that Amy did not complete anything at all. Panicked, she dives in to complete the project.
After Lisa submits the project, she explains to Amy that she is frustrated with what transpired. Amy is indignant and tells Lisa that her apartment is being renovated; she has been staying with a relative who keeps her up at night because she is an alcoholic. Amy goes on to say that she has had a sinus infection and is under the weather. Lisa is confused because Amy never appeared sleepy or exhibited any symptoms of a sinus infection. Although Lisa is frustrated, she would have found a solution that did not include dumping her work. She still felt compassion for Amy and let it go.
The next day, Lisa is called into her boss’s office. She is excited because she hopes he will recognize her hard work on the project. Instead, her boss confronts her about her “lack of compassion” for Amy. He says that Amy approached him the previous day to tell him about her personal issues, and described Lisa as “cold, detached, and unemphatic.” In lieu of listening to her side of the story, he recommends that Lisa attend empathy training and shoos her out of his office.
In this scenario, Amy is unable to dig in and do the hard work, yet instead of talking to Lisa about it, she comes up with a litany of excuses after Lisa has already done the work. Additionally, Amy covers her tracks by bringing her false narrative to the boss behind Lisa’s back, to ensure she is excused. In the end, Lisa looks like the problem.
If this happens to you: First, get space from this person. Avoid prolonged projects or interactions with them. Second, you need to maintain strong boundaries. Do not bend over backwards or do favors for them; this may be a setup. The narcissist needs material to misconstrue. Third, they are jealous of you. Perhaps you have better relationships, a stronger work ethic, or are emotionally intelligent. People with strong narcissistic streaks tend to be jealous of the people who possess the things they do not have. Unfortunately, instead of grappling with their jealousy and acting on it constructively, they seek to sabotage the person with whom they are jealous.
