You’ve met them—the person who goes from zero to sixty instantly, whether it’s about silly drivers and road rage or getting the wrong change at 7-11. And at the other end of the spectrum are those who are never emotional, almost robotic, and logical. Here are some of the characteristics of each:
Too hot.
The overly hot-tempered folks often grew up with parents who exhibited those same traits, who blamed others for making them angry, serving as their primary role models. But beneath their temper tantrums—whether from the parents or now grown children—lies a continuous undercurrent of anxiety, hypervigilance, and a constant tendency to look around corners.
They tend to have an externally-focused view of life and others. They are wired for the negative, for things going wrong, and for the fear of the shoe dropping, which translates into fight responses rather than flee or freeze. This is often combined with their own self-criticism, a life governed by shoulds and right/wrong, and a need for control, leading them to treat others as they treat themselves.
Too cold.
The sources of the apparent lack of emotions can be many. Like the hot ones with their emotional modeling, these individuals might have had unemotional parents: no arguing or anger, but also little or no affection, and little discussion of feelings, perhaps more focus on rationality and logical thinking.
Or, no, actually, the parents were hotheads, and the children learned to always walk on eggshells, understanding that emotions can be frightening and that showing them was unsafe. As a result, they learned to internalize and bite their tongues. While the hotheads blame others, these individuals often blame themselves. They are at risk of using substances to medicate their underlying feelings, or of sometimes blowing up or acting out, with the consequences causing them to return to internalizing, creating an ongoing cycle.
Between these extremes clearly lies the moderate middle, Goldilocks’ “just right,” where emotions are neither sprayed around the room nor held in but expressed responsibly. Here are the keys to reaching that adult balance:
Realize that you are in charge of your emotions.
By blaming others for their reactions and thinking that they do what they do because others cause them to do it, the hot ones essentially believe they are not in charge of their emotions. The adult stance begins with taking responsibility for your feelings and actions. Responsibility leads to emotional regulation
Emotions come from beliefs.
But also take responsibility for your thoughts. Underlying beliefs drive emotions. Things that happen are neutral in themselves; it is the belief, the meaning, and the story we tell ourselves that influence how we perceive the event. The road-rage driver thinks the person in front is stupid or inconsiderate; the reserved, internalizing person believes speaking up will trigger a strong, dangerous reaction from the other driver.
By changing your thoughts, you can change your emotions. Instead of thinking the other driver is stupid or inconsiderate, consider that they are doing their best. Rather than fearing retaliation for speaking up, recognize that these are old, childlike reactions. By rewriting your story, you shift your perspective, which helps you see the situation more positively. This can lead to different actions—the driver might practice patience, and the person internalizing might feel more comfortable speaking up.
Use emotions as information.
Often, emotions carry important information, especially about what you need. Hurt, anger, and worry are often clues to something missing in your life—such as consideration, appreciation, concrete help, or reassurance—that you lack. In addition to asking yourself, “What do I believe?” also ask, “What do I need?”
Catch early, move forward.
The challenge for the hot-zero-to-sixty folks is realizing sooner that they are ramping up. Once their anger gets too high—a six or seven on a ten-point scale—it’s too hard to rein in or to change the sense that they deserve to be angry. They need to catch it sooner, when they are at two or three. To do this, they can check in with themselves pre-emptively and regularly. The road-rager, for example, can see where they are emotionally before they get in the car, and then use calming techniques such as deep breathing or changing their self-talk to help self-regulate.
For the cold folks, their challenge is the opposite: instead of hitting the brakes, they need to try moving forward—overcoming their shyness and fear, and taking the risk to push ahead. By doing so and coming out on the other side, they can discover that what they always fear will happen often doesn’t.
Take charge.
Managing your emotions is living in that middle ground between throwing tantrums, blaming, and spraying your emotions around the room, or feeling afraid, holding in, and never trusting. By taking responsibility for your feelings and using them as information, you begin to shake off that childhood angst that continues to make you feel small and the world unsafe. It’s okay to take baby steps; it’s not about doing it right, but simply doing it differently.
