If you’re like me, you’ve probably felt guilty about texts from friends that you didn’t have time to answer or bridled under the pressure to “stay close” with online friends in a world that never logs off or shuts down. A little more than a decade ago, I authored a book on the rules of friendship. While those rules reflected the culture of that time, the way we communicate and “do friendship” has shifted over the years. The list needed updating to reflect the healthy way to do friendship today.
The increasing breadth and depth of online-first friendships, and how we now value online connections, combine to redefine what close friendships might look like. While online friendships were once viewed as inferior to face-to-face friendships, their role in our social networks is significant, and they provide deep and meaningful connections for us.
Friendships Matter Deeply
The essential role that friendships play in our emotional, psychological, and physical well-being is undeniable. Researchers, practitioners, and the rest of us know just how important healthy friendships can be. Recognizing their value, we need to ensure that we do all that we can to support and maintain these most valuable well-being assets. Thus, the new rules highlight the need to protect against friendship burnout, give friends emotional space when they need it, temper our friendship expectations with what a friend has the bandwidth to provide, and recognize that small gestures of connection matter just as much as “grand gestures” or “girls’ weekends” away.
Here are the new rules of friendship that reflect the ways in which social connectivity and friendship maintenance have evolved over the last decade. They are organized around four themes, Being, Doing, Not Doing, and Managing, highlighting how friendship involves active engagement, not just passive complacency.
The New Rules of Friendship
Being – Who You Are in Friendship
Be trustworthy—online and offline. Trust is the foundation of friendship. This means that friends respect one another’s privacy in face-to-face and virtual spaces. For instance, digital privacy and private messages, images, etc. are not shared unless a friend gives their explicit permission.
Be empathic and honor boundaries. Offer friends empathy, accepting them as they are, and support, but also recognize that support isn’t helpful if it’s not what your friend wants or needs. Give friends space when needed and honor their boundaries just as you want others to honor your own.
Be inclusive and open-minded. Open yourself to friends who are different from you. Embrace diversity, different life paths, different life stages, and different experiences. Building a diverse support network enhances our lives.
Doing – How You Show Up
Offer emotional support—even small gestures count. Perhaps the most valuable gift friends offer one another is emotional support – and if time is short, remember that a quick text or emoji matters. Micro-interactions are like “glue” for friendships today. Just sending a funny meme or reference to a shared joke, “liking” a friend’s post on LinkedIn or Insta, or just sending an emoji when you’re pressed for time can keep you and a friend connected.
Show up—virtually or in person. Sometimes help is doing a favor in person, and sometimes it’s sending a link, resource information, or a message of support.
Reciprocate thoughtfully. When a friend lends a hand, step up and lend them a hand in return without being asked. Follow through on offers of assistance.
Not Doing – Behaviors That Damage Connection
Don’t drain others’ emotional energy. Avoid nagging, guilt-tripping, or toxic positivity. Don’t dismiss a friend’s challenges with toxic positivity – honor their experiences. It’s also important to watch out for “friendship burnout,” for your friends or yourself. Friendship burnout describes being overtaxed emotionally by the demands of a friendship. Give friends their space when they reach their emotional limits.
Don’t criticize friends publicly—offline or online. Keep feedback private – and be especially careful when responding to direct messages, comments on posts, and group texts. Don’t shame a friend, whether you’re face-to-face or engaging digitally.
Don’t compete with or resent a friend’s other relationships. Don’t monopolize or isolate a friend from others — friendship isn’t a zero-sum game. Embrace the opportunity to expand your own friendship circle.
Managing – How You Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Clarify expectations early. Not everyone has the same level of availability for friends, and not everyone shares the same expectations regarding the intensity level of a friendship. As a friendship begins to take root, clarify your communication styles and availability before someone’s feelings are hurt.
Accept seasonality. Some friendships will be temporary—not every new friend is going to be a BFF. Appreciate friendships as the gift they are, but also be willing to let go without guilt. Humans don’t have the capacity to manage an infinite number of friends – and that is okay.
Balance authenticity with privacy. In healthy relationships, people show up as their true selves – authentically and honestly. However, it is also important to be aware of the risk of sharing too much. Be mindful of protecting personal and confidential information – especially when communicating with friends online.
Moving from Passive Complacency to Active Engagement
The landscape of friendships continues to change as our culture and its technology change, but the value of healthy relationships remains constant. Being cognizant of the importance of preventing friendship burnout and recognizing the value of micro interactions are two new lessons the digital age has taught us. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, remind yourself that the goal of crafting friendships isn’t to assemble an infinite number of friends, but to show up authentically and willingly for the ones we have.
