Once we say “I will,” the last thing we imagine will happen does eventually happen, and it happens on four different levels. In a committed relationship, we will betray ourselves and our partners, and our partners will betray themselves and betray us. Because we’re convinced that our thriving relationships are immune to betrayal, betrayal becomes highly disruptive. Actually, the exact opposite is true. Maintaining a pristine record of faithfulness and loyalty is not an option. In fact, it would be a quixotic undertaking.
Self-Betrayal
What can be said about betraying ourselves also applies to our partners betraying themselves. Hence, we are addressing two levels of betrayal. Self-betrayal occurs when we are unfaithful in honoring our heart’s desire or our personal values. Such betrayal occurs when we are excessively accommodating of our partner’s desires and wishes, or they are too eager to support our needs. That is, one of us is too eager to please the other at the cost of forgetting about ourselves. It’s all too easy to overlook our partners’ self-betrayals because there is less conflict and more harmony and cooperation when only one person is emotionally engaged in the relationship. However, it’s very easy for the person betraying themselves to become resentful and passive-aggressive, and to blame their partner for controlling the relationship.
Patterns of self-betrayal can be trauma-informed. Our choices are then driven by early behaviors that support safety. This includes being adaptive, hyper-vigilant, and compliant, and compulsively trying to do the right thing, which mostly means not upsetting your partner. Keep in mind, self-betrayal often leads to resenting our partners, as if they have taken us hostage.
Repairing Self-Betrayal
We can’t make our partners loyal to themselves. All we can do is request to hear more about what they want and value. They must repair their own self-betrayal. Here are some choices we can make in order to strengthen our self-loyalty.
- Notice when we say “yes” too often. This calls for pausing and considering whether saying “yes” to a partner’s request is genuine. If we feel shy about saying “no,” start by saying “I don’t know.” Saying “no” can be challenging when we have made pleasing others part of how we love. It will take time.
- Create a relationship with desire. It’s too easy to say “yes” when we don’t know what we want. Make it a daily practice to be curious about what you might want. Remind yourself that an active relationship with your desire doesn’t make you selfish. It simply makes you more self-loyal and more able to emotionally participate in your relationship.
- Clarify your values. Identify what gives your life meaning. What do you cherish? What would you be willing to die for? What action would you take that would make you feel guilt and shame?
- Speak your desires and values. Let your partner know what you want, especially from them. Speaking about your desires and values can make them feel more real.
- Let go of blaming your partner. Our partners can’t make us betray ourselves. However, they may enjoy the harmony that arises from our compliance and desire to please.
- Be aware of the times you betray yourself. Don’t berate yourself for being unfaithful to yourself. Treat self-betrayal as an invitation back to either what you desire or what you value.
When You Are the Betrayer
When you’re the one who perpetrated the betrayal, and you want to bring healing to your relationship, then there are some steps to follow. Be clear that the time and energy required to create a repair will depend greatly on how much deceit accompanied the betrayal. We needn’t enact a 10-year sexual affair to betray our partners. Betrayal may involve violating an agreement, taking action that is contrary to our partner’s values, breaching confidentiality, or reneging on a promise.
- Describe what you did and how much deceit was involved. Identify the impact you believe your choice will have on your partner and your relationship.
- Make amends. An amends is an apology accompanied by a commitment not to repeat the injurious behavior. Avoid justifications of your behavior or pleading for mercy.
- Describe the violation of your own values. Tell your partner if you violated your own values by enacting this betrayal. You betrayed yourself. It will likely mitigate your partner’s belief that you just want them to forgive you and move on.
- Forgive yourself. Make it clear that your responsibility is to do what it takes to forgive yourself and that receiving your partner’s forgiveness is not in your control.
- Be open to your partner’s questions.
- Restore trust. Let your partner know that you are curious about what it will take to restore trust and that you understand it may take some time.
When You Are the Betrayed
- Shock. Hearing that you’ve been betrayed can be shocking and dysregulating to the nervous system. You may want to respond by taking dramatic action, such as fighting or running away. Settle your nervous system and make no major decisions.
- Try not to idealize yourself. Don’t posture yourself as being above perpetrating betrayal.
- Self-care. Get the support you need, which may be professional, to clarify whether you may have colluded in the betrayal. An example might be a husband who has not allowed his wife to touch him for over a year. She turns to another man for physical contact. Don’t solicit help from a friend who only wants to berate your partner. Employ boundaries that offer emotional stability. You may need to sleep in a different room.
- Ask for information that helps you be clear about the nature of the transgression. You only want data that describes how your trust was violated.
- Share how you are emotionally responding to the betrayal.
- Check if an earlier betrayal is being resurrected. In most of my work involving marital infidelity, an earlier childhood betrayal has surfaced. It is important to address the earlier betrayal before attending to the current one. It can be extremely difficult to heal the current one when an old one has not been separated out.
- Decide if you want to heal the current betrayal.
- Be clear about what you need in order to repair trust and support forgiveness. Once you have this clarity, share it with your partner.
It can be easier to bring healing to a relationship suffering from betrayal when it has not been defined as immune to it. Betrayal isn’t simply unfortunate. It can be an opportunity to uncover patterns of self-betrayal and estrangement.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
