Survivors of domestic abuse are constantly told by society that they must forgive: “It’s for your own good; it will help you move on.” Especially for religious survivors who value the teachings of forgiveness from their place of worship. This can place a lot of weight on their shoulders.
Think about how unfair of a burden this places on the victim.
In my work with survivors of domestic abuse, I notice that many people return to therapy after a few months or even years believing they were OK, thinking that they “forgave” the person who hurt them but arriving at the same pain and grief as before. I believe this is because they never fully allowed themself to acknowledge, mourn, and heal from their grief.
Work on trauma in the mental health community teaches us that mourning needs to happen following trauma—mourning for the loss of love and expectations of a relationship, dignity and pride, grief, and embarrassment. Instead of mourning, many survivors find themselves in an extended period of denial. They do this by convincing themselves that they were in an OK place because they had chosen to forgive, falsely giving them the assumption that they have finished and moved past the experience.
Thorough and complete mourning is necessary to move on from trauma.
Mourning will be a unique process for every survivor, but I have several techniques to help you along the way. Following these tricks can incorporate space for healing into your recovery.
1. First, forgive yourself
With all of the pressure for survivors to forgive others, I frequently reflect that back on them. Survivors of trauma place a lot of guilt and blame on themselves for having gone through an abusive experience. Maybe they think they broke their partner’s heart, fought too much, worked too many late nights, or came home irritable too often. It is possible to share responsibility for the flaws in a relationship that caused it to fail without being responsible for any of the malicious actions at the hands of your ex-partner. There is a difference between malicious cruelty and the everyday flaws and shortcomings we all exhibit. Forgive yourself for not seeing red flags and “getting away sooner.” Forgive yourself for what your children saw. And forgive yourself for waiting too long to seek legal support and forgive yourself for any legal repercussions that the perpetrator ends up with. None of this is your fault.
2. Remind yourself that you have a right to love
A lot of the blame for LGBTQ individuals might come from simply being a member of a marginalized community. Religious or conservative upbringings might have taught them to believe that existing within this community of love is a “sin” worthy of its due punishment. Many of my patients have expressed such thoughts. Their abuse was punishment for being gay, queer, trans, or other places on the love spectrum outside of where society says they “should” exist. This guilt stays with them unless it can be resolved at the source. Their mourning will often start with accepting who they are and the fact that they have a right to love. That their love is not a sin and that in no way do they deserve to be punished for it.
3. Keep a journal
I recommend this at every stage of the recovery process. When we look back at our writing long after experiencing the trauma firsthand, we can see our growth written in our words. Once you can feel safe enough to express your feelings and mourn in a supportive environment, this natural progression will happen inside of you. Keeping a journal will provide you with this tangible evidence of how far you have made it from the fear and pain of your abuse.
It is important to understand that healing is not linear. Remember, you will have good days and bad days. Good hours may be followed by a bad hour. It is normal and natural to have different emotional reactions with varying degrees of severity as you move forward.
Forgiveness is a personal choice, not a requirement for healing. If forgiveness comes one day, let it come because it feels authentic—not because someone else told you it was necessary. Until then, give yourself permission to grieve what was lost, to forgive yourself, and to heal at your own pace.
Excerpted, in part, from my book Invisible Bruises: How a Better Understanding of the Patterns of Domestic Violence Can Help Survivors Navigate the Legal System.
