Anticipatory grief, regret, triggering, guilt: All of these and more may be ingredients of the stew of complex emotions swirling around for adult children of a dying parent. For the adult child who grew up in a dysfunctional or addicted family environment, this roller coaster emotional journey can be even more challenging.
Complex Emotions
The lifelong relationship and history between the parent and (now adult) child certainly will impact the emotions the adult child experiences during the parent’s declining health. Certain individuals will experience the anticipatory grief process as bittersweet, especially if the terminally ill parent remains in control of their cognitive faculties. The adult child and parent may take this time to reminisce about happy memories together. For other adult children, the experience is likely to be more complex, especially in the case of a parent with a terminal illness related to an addiction. In those situations, the adult child’s attempts to be supportive while processing anger, resentment, and unforgiveness that surfaces from a traumatic or dysfunctional childhood can make for a turbulent time.
Complex emotions often include anticipatory grief, as well as potentially guilt, regret, unforgiveness, and resentment. During this journey, the adult child may find that surrendering control of this situation can be particularly healthy. The adult child may also begin to face the topic of mortality itself, in their parent and in themself. Additionally, it may be a confusing time for the adult child as they experience role-reversal in caregiving of the declining parent. The bereavement may be more complex in the case of dysfunctional families, including a more ambivalent grieving process as the adult child recalls a far-from-perfect childhood and relationship with the parent.
Anticipatory Grief
Anticipatory grief occurs when we know the parent or loved one will be passing on and we begin processing the grief before they have passed. While anticipatory grief is completely healthy, it may also feel like a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it provides an emotional outlet for the feelings of grief and helplessness for the upcoming loss. On the other hand, though, it’s possible to get mired in the depressed feeling, like falling into a cavern with no visible escape. There are multiple paths out of the cave labyrinth, but it takes commitment to self-care. We need to be committed to consistently pursuing self-care, including reaching out when the feelings become overwhelming or the depression persists.
Adult Daughters
The anticipatory grief process may even be more complex for adult daughters when they are processing emotional pain over the impending loss, particularly when facing the loss of their mother. Adult daughters’ views of their mother, as well as their family and self, may change during this holding-on-letting-go process. Additionally, the daughter may experience adaptation anxiety as she wonders how her mother will adapt to her health decline, as well as anxiety over how she (as the daughter) will adjust and feel after the mother passes on. In fact, adult daughters tend to experience various types of emotional turmoil in caring for dying parents (including emotional, relational, and societal) during this journey of emotional relinquishing.
Addicted or Previously Addicted Aging Parents: A Unique Challenge
A parent’s physical and cognitive decline both carry with them differing challenges for the adult child or loved one. In the case of the elderly person’s physical health problems, deterioration is often clearly visible and obvious. However, alcoholism and serious addiction may not be immediately apparent and may include a whole host of challenges for the adult child or loved one. The adult child may be triggered by the parent’s alcoholism or addiction when it brings up painful childhood memories, as the addiction likely has been a longtime or lifelong challenge for the addicted parent. Providing a balance of empathy while detaching is especially challenging for the adult child when the parent has become elderly and is in serious health decline. Some adult children may find 12-step programs, such as Codependents Anonymous, helpful in this circumstance, while others may find traditional individual or group counseling effective.
In a study examining the challenges of loved ones providing caregiving to an alcoholic family member, several themes were discovered: 1) dealing with emotional peaks and valleys, 2) wandering around in the unknown, 3) an aspect of pointing fingers, 4) riding out the storm, 5) boundaries, and 6) looking back, looking inward. While this study focused on family member caretakers of an alcoholic person, these themes are also likely experienced by various loved ones who provide care to the addicted elderly person in decline.
An added complication may include alcoholic dementia and/or liver failure or other terminal physical condition related to the addiction. In cases in which a parent’s chronic addiction has led to a terminal health condition, adult children have the seemingly overwhelming task of attempting to care for their own emotional well-being when they are triggered while still attempting to assist the parent. Self-care is vital in these situations.
Dementia
Watching a loved one suffer physically can only be matched by the emotional pain of observing a parent’s cognitive or mental decline. In the case of an elderly parent with dementia, the adult child’s emotional pain may be multiplied as they helplessly watch the parent spiral, losing their memory and potentially even displaying disturbing personality changes as they sink deeper into their illness.
Caregiving Essential Reads
When You Cannot Be Present During the Parent’s Health Decline
Remember that we all must travel our own paths, and oftentimes those physical locations don’t coincide with the locations of our parents, relatives, or other loved ones, including during their aging process. Anecdotally, I’ve spoken to many individuals whose aging parents passed on while the adult child lived in another state or country. Many of the adult children were in close daily contact (phone, video calls, texting, etc.) and helped coordinate the care of the declining parent. However, they still felt a certain amount of guilt or regret (even at a less than conscious level) over not being physically present during the parental health decline, including the loved one’s eventual passing. Part of the emotional healing process of releasing feelings of guilt and regret needs to be self-reminders and acceptance that the loved one’s journey was not necessarily the same as our own.
Processing the Pain and Complex Emotions
The healing journey for the adult child includes processing many complex emotions over the death of the parent or loved one and being gentle with oneself.
Remember: No one expects you to be a superhero. Reach out and don’t attempt this alone! Practice self-care and lean on supportive loved ones and counselors.
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