Learning to hide is one way to take care of ourselves. It is a defense against not feeling good about ourselves. It helps us to feel safe. We don’t typically honor our own defenses and those of others. We readily hear the charge “You’re being defensive,” suggesting something inappropriate is happening. The psyche knows how to take care of you. It won’t neglect its responsibility to keep you safe, even when you may not need it.
A few examples of defenses include compensation, displacement, and what I have termed “hiding.” Compensation happens when we decide that there is some alleged flaw in our character, and we begin to act in the extreme opposite of that character trait. We might decide that we’ve been insensitive to others and start acting extremely kind. Displacement occurs when we redirect an emotion to someone other than the person we’re reacting to. Someone angry at their boss returns home and kicks the dog out of anger at the boss.
“Hiding” occurs when we hide our feelings, beliefs, and intentions behind someone or something else. Others experience the someone or something you’re hiding behind rather than who you really are.
Places We Hide
We are especially prone to hiding our vulnerabilities. These may include feeling inadequate, lost, confused, or broken hearted. Because we don’t accept these aspects of ourselves, we decide that others will also not respond favorably to them.
Let’s explore some popular hideouts.
God. For millennia, hiding behind God was a favored place in which to take refuge. It’s a simple move. We simply declare that our wishes, beliefs, and behaviors align with God’s will. We take sanctuary in relinquishing responsibility for our lives by merely obeying the Almighty.
Gurus and teachers. This is also a preferred place to hide out. We lean into the wise one who knows all. We become legitimate through affiliation. As the teacher’s devotee, we are allegedly larger than our ordinary selves. I’m reporting the teacher’s vision, which places me on hallowed ground. Essentially, the guru becomes a parent, with a measure of our maturation being sacrificed. When there’s too much dependency upon a teacher, our predicaments and struggles don’t allow us to discover our strengths and weaknesses. We don’t have the opportunity to wrestle with what might truly matter to us and enable it to guide our decisions.
Roles. We like hiding out in roles that possess a measure of social prestige. Roles like senator, professor, minister, healer, or leader are popular choices. I have found that many CEOs define themselves as a CEO and then as a person. I’ve witnessed parents do something similar, prioritizing their identity as father or mother before being a person. We step into roles as our primary identity, hoping to be insulated from criticism, disparaging remarks, or a lack of cooperation.
Work. Any kind of work can be a preferred place to hide out. It’s often assumed that if we work a lot, then we will be perceived by others as good people. People know us as hard workers, while the rest of us remains undercover. Sometimes this leads to unfavorable consequences, such as compromised health, or ignoring the quality of family life and friendships. This can be especially true if the work provides desirable revenue.
Achievements and awards. If we’re lucky enough to have made some notable achievements, they can become desired hideouts. It is a pretentious comfort to claim we are mostly our achievements. They may be business achievements, scientific, or academic ones. They gain more appeal if accompanied by a public award.
Anyone revered. We can easily hide out behind anyone we deeply respect or fear. It could be a mentor, friend, colleague, sibling, parent, lover, or spouse. We believe that the person revered knows more about managing life and should be in control. We ride on their coattails, again safe and comfortable through affiliation.
Coming Out of Hiding
Coming out of hiding can be challenging. Our cloaked life feels like home, allegedly providing comfort and safety. It can be helpful to get a nudge, but certainly not to have to jump ship before you feel ready. Here are some suggested steps for the coming-out process.
Get honest. Initially, it’s essential to be honest with ourselves. Even if we’re not sure, we can at least begin to explore where we may have been hiding out. Do the exploration with compassion. Your hiding out is an attempt at self-care.
Consider what was gained and lost. Our masked lives served us in some ways. We at least avoided some risk-taking and having to face the reactions of others if we had shown up as ourselves. This helped us to feel more secure. But we also went unknown for who we really are and compromised our participation in family and friendships.
Feel the feelings. The thought of being more transparent and visible to others may make us feel anxious, worried, and resistant.
Be aware. When we criticized what was hidden, we also projected that others would react similarly if they really knew us. That is commonly not true. Our own acceptance of who was hidden typically makes it safe to come out.
Tell your story. Tell your story to someone you trust. You may need professional help to claim what was hidden and live with more transparency and compassion.
Although it is essential for those whom you love to know who you are, understanding and accepting yourself is the priority. The goal is not to completely remove where you hide. A role, work, or a relationship with a teacher simply moves into a secondary position as you create your identity. You can think of the core of your identity as what and whom you love, your longings and dreams, your sorrow, desires, and beliefs.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
