Co-authored by Galit Romanelli.
Jamie and John keep yelling over each other in the session.
Finally, Jamie turns to me and demands: “Can you please tell John that what he’s saying is not OK?!”
As a couples therapist, I’ve heard this a million times. I said, “Listen, Jamie, he has his own perception that’s different than yours.”
She looked at me. “So you’re not going to back me up? Oh, I get it. I guess you’re just like all the other therapists. Like all the other men. You take his side.”
I actually wasn’t taking anyone’s side. I was doing my job: trying to hold two truths at the same time. But to Jamie, in that moment, there was no in between. Either I agreed with her completely or I was against her.
I meet this T-junction almost daily. Every couple I work with eventually gets stuck here. They stop being two subjects with two experiences and become two opposing sides fighting over one truth. With me or against me. Right or wrong. My truth or your truth.
That’s not a character flaw. That’s their flooded nervous system.
When you’re flooded, when you’re tense, tired, angry, or feeling unloved, your prefrontal cortex goes offline. The part of you that can hold complexity shuts down. What’s left runs on one rule: threat or safe. With me or against me.
Such black or white thinking helped us survive. Thousands of years ago, if something approached you in the dark, you did not want to stop and consider its motives. You did not want to think, maybe it just wants to smell me. You needed a quick answer. Danger or not danger.
Where binary takes you
Every time I hear a client speak in such binaries, I know two things. They’re flooded. And they’re on the way toward the victim triangle dynamic.
The victim triangle has three roles or behaviors: victim, savior, and persecutor. People don’t sit in one. They flow between all three, sometimes in a single conversation. Black-and-white thinking is what holds the triangle together, because the triangle runs on somebody being all wrong and somebody being all right.
A few nights ago I said something to my daughter and Galit corrected me right in front of her. I got so angry I stormed off. Standing in the bathroom trying to calm down, I kept ruminating. Galit is not OK. She’s humiliating me in front of our kid. She’s undermining my authority. I’m a good father. I don’t deserve this.
I felt that I was a hundred percent innocent and Galit was 100% guilty!
That’s the triangle in one line. I’m the victim, she’s the persecutor, and there’s no third option available to me. After a couple of minutes of cleaving to my martyrhood, I started to realize what was happening. I wasn’t thinking. I was flooded. I was in trauma mind.
We’re not against all binaries. Sometimes they serve us well. But in a long-term committed relationship, binary thinking will hurt you. Not just your partner. Binary moves you away from collaboration and leads to an endless struggle over who’s right. It leads to a one-narrative relationship: one of you as keeper of the “truth” while the other’s truth is solely their “opinion.” There is no synergy or synthesis, just reactivity and tiring conflict.
The opposite of binary
The way out is multiplicity. Multiplicity is the ability to hold different parts of myself at the same time, also called self-states. The angry part, the insulted part, as well as the part that knows I was out of line. Psychological maturity is the ability to access and shift between those self-states consciously.
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Differentiation is the relational expression of that skill. It’s my ability to hold on to myself and stay close to my partner. Not either/or. Yes, and.
Together they let you create a two-narrative relationship instead of a one-narrative fight, one in which both perspectives can co-exist and are equally valid. After all, subjective is the only objective in intimate relationships.
How to graduate from binary
Choose to believe that you’re not a victim. If you want to step out of the binaries, you’re going to have to believe this one, even if you fake it at first. And if you’re not a victim, that means your partner isn’t against you. They’re just different from you, and that’s what makes the relationship more interesting.
Notice. The next time you catch yourself in a with me/against me binary, in your head or out loud, understand that it’s a signal. Not necessarily that your partner did something wrong. It’s a sign that your nervous system is flooded and you’re not seeing the full picture.
Breathe. Get your prefrontal cortex back online before you say anything else. Drink some water, shake your body, move.
Use the “also” technique. Replace the words “always” and “never” with “also” and “sometimes.” I’m also right. I’m also wrong. She also has a point. “Sometimes I feel like you’re not listening to me,” instead of “you never listen to me.” These qualifiers don’t weaken your truth. They make room for another truth next to yours. Your partner can be for themselves, and not against you.
“In my experience.” Use this phrase as a way to own that it’s just your experience, not necessarily the truth. The phrase also invites your partner to share their subjective experience. Two truths. Two narratives.
Play. Play is what will help you hold on to multiplicity. Play stops you from taking yourself so seriously. Play helps soften your exclamation points about your partner into question marks about your relationship. Have your curiosity outweigh your certainty. That’s the first equation in the relational math of change.
Once you step away from binaries, from with/against me, you’ll step into color, range, and newfound richness on the way to a richer, renewed marriage with your partner.
Galit Romanelli is a relationship coach, Ph.D. candidate, and co-creator of The Remarriage Roadmap.
