As an autistic person, I understand the feeling of thinking that my autism has ruined friendships. Sometimes this may come in the the form of self-sabotage when friendships feel difficult.
More often than not, friendships may be ruined due to some disconnect between myself and the other person, which could have been salvaged if I had the insight I have now.
A common autistic experience is finding it hard to make and maintain friendships. Since we have differences in how we communicate and interact with others and often different understandings of what friendships look like, this can cause a painful disconnect and many friendships ending.
Autistic people often report high levels of loneliness due to finding it challenging to connect with others. This can result in poorer mental health, low self-esteem, and diminished confidence to make new friends.
It can feel extremely disheartening to desire friendships then once you have a friend you feel as if you are ruining it or pulling away.
Below, I will discuss some common patterns of how autism may feel like it is ruining your friendships. If you are autistic and struggle to make friends, you may be able to resonate with one or more of these patterns.
It is not all doom and gloom, however. It is possible to maintain stable, healthy relationships. I will share some advice to help break the following patterns:
The “Too Intense” Pattern
If you have ever been told by friends that you are “too much” then you may resonate with the “Too Intense” friendship pattern.
Autistic people often form intense friendships characterized by deep emotional investment and frequent communication. For many autistic people, this intensity manifests in both their emotional connection and how they express their interests and care for others.
“Whenever I meet new people I want to be friends with, I feel it so intensely, and that reflects in my behavior and makes me appear overly intense and needy, almost to the point of appearing possessive.”
There was a time when I found that my friend had a mutual interest in something that I was very heavily interested in. I sent long messages rambling about the interest because I was excited and wanted to share everything I knew with them. Then they simply responded with “Wow. That’s a lot.”
Other examples of being intense can include frequently checking in with friends, wanting to meet up again immediately after hanging out, or asking very detailed questions about a friend’s life and decisions.
“…people take distance from me, and in the end I am left feeling rejected, worthless and miserable, as well as frustrated and upset with myself for not being able to just tone it down”
Advice
If you resonate with the “Too Intense” pattern, the best thing to do is learn to balance your natural enthusiasm with your friend’s capacity for interaction.
This is challenging and can feel like you’re holding yourself back, but you can start small:
- Take note of how often your friend initiates contact and try to match their frequency
- Give space after sharing something exciting – wait for their response before sending more messages
- Create designated times or spaces for sharing your interests deeply (like a weekly game night or specific Discord channel)
- Ask friends directly if they have the energy to hear about your interests before launching into them
Pay attention to how your friends respond to these adjustments. If they seem more engaged when you give them space, you’re on the right track.
What often works for others is being upfront about their enthusiasm. Some autistic people explain to their friends: “I get really excited about things I’m passionate about. Sometimes I might send multiple messages or talk a lot about it. Please let me know if you need me to take a step back or change the subject.”
If they are good friends, they will appreciate your self-awareness and help find a balance that works for both of you. The goal isn’t to suppress your enthusiasm but to express it in ways that maintain healthy friendships.
The “Masking Exhaustion” Pattern
This pattern resonates with me the most and is probably a very common experience for other late-diagnosed autistic people.
Autistic masking (or camouflaging) is the attempt to hide or suppress autistic traits as a way to “fit in” and appear more neurotypical.
Many of the friendships I had before my diagnosis started because I masked in a way that would help me fit in. I would repeat the correct phrases I had heard other people say, force facial expressions and eye contact, and pretend to have similar interests to others.
Other people would react well to my masked self so this mask became more established and I did not feel comfortable lowering it for fear of losing my friends.
However, masking eventually always backfires.
There was an instance where I lived with friends in a shared house and everything was great for a few months. We would hang out every day, play games, and eat meals together. I was pretending to be more sociable than I was and forced myself to spend most of my time with them.
Eventually, I felt exhausted from maintaining my mask for so long that I felt completely burnt out and isolated myself in my room. I avoided leaving my room if someone else was using the communal areas because my mask had gone and I didn’t feel I could force it anymore.
I eventually moved out and then rarely hung out with my friends anymore. My masking ultimately drained me to the point that I pushed people away and did not have the energy to repair the friendships.
Advice
If you resonate with the “Masking Exhaustion” pattern, the best thing to do is to “unmask” and be your authentic self.
This is challenging and can take a lot of time to unlearn but you can start small:
- Let yourself stim in small ways during conversations (like fidgeting or tapping)
- Take brief breaks from eye contact while talking
- Begin saying “I need to think about that” instead of giving immediate social responses
- Bring up your genuine interests, even if they’re different from your friends’
Pay attention to how your friend responds to these small changes and move at a pace that works for you.
What often works in my case now is to be honest and specific about my needs. I have explained to my close friends what masking is and that I can concentrate better if I am not looking at them or I explain that sometimes I ask clarifying questions to make sure I have understood them properly.
Being authentic may feel vulnerable at first, but it creates deeper, more sustainable connections.
The “Honesty Backfire” Pattern
Has a friend asked for your opinion on something and then when you give an honest answer, they have got offended or called you blunt? You may resonate with the “Honesty Backfire” pattern.
Autistic people often prefer direct communication and value honesty in their friendships. However, what we intend as helpful honesty can sometimes be perceived as harsh or unkind by neurotypical friends.
This has led to friction in my friendships multiple times. For example, a friend told me about how her parent had upset her and I responded by saying what the parent did was terrible and I advised cutting down contact with the parent.
This came across as harsh honesty and I gave advice without being asked for it which frustrated my friend. From my perspective, I was trying to look out for her best interests and help her out.
From others’ experiences, this pattern frequently appears when friends explicitly ask for honest opinions or advice:
“Sometimes, friends get very defensive if I ask them a clarifying question like ‘Why did you make this decision?’ because they think I am being confrontational. I’m not. I just like to understand people’s motivations for things.”
The aftermath of these situations often leads to confusion and hurt on both sides. The autistic person feels they did what was asked by being honest, while the friend feels hurt by the directness of the response.
Advice
If you resonate with the “Honesty Backfire” pattern, the best thing to do is learn to distinguish between requests for honesty and requests for support.
This takes practice, but you can start small:
- Ask “Do you want my honest feedback, or would you like emotional support?”
- Before giving detailed feedback, start with something positive you noticed
- If unsure, try saying “Would you like me to share what I think about this?”
- Practice offering observations rather than judgments
What often helps is explaining to friends: “I tend to be very direct in my communication. When you ask for my opinion, I’ll give you my honest thoughts. Please let me know if you’re looking for something different.”
Clear communication about your communication style helps build mutual understanding and respect.
The “Sidelines” Pattern
At high school, I would hang around with a large group and although I was extremely quiet and preferred sitting back and listening to other people talk, I felt like I was one of them for a while.
Then one day I went on social media and saw photos of everyone in the friend group at a birthday party that I was not aware was happening. It turns out I wasn’t invited.
It is common for autistic people to feel excluded as another person says:
“I’m not capable of making deeper connections and I’m just easily forgotten about.”
I had the realization that while I was physically present in the group I was not really included.
I felt hurt, but instead of using this hurt to try to do something to change the situation, I just further fell into my role on the sidelines.
I became more emotionally distant from the group and cared less and less whenever I was not included in social events so by the time school finished, I felt so far removed from the group that it did not hurt to not see them again.
Advice
If you resonate with the “Sidelines” pattern, the first step might be to evaluate if the friendship you are in is valuable to you.
If you are actively being excluded, there is bullying or toxicity, it is probably best to walk away from this friendship.
However, if you feel there is value there and the potential for more, then it is worth putting some effort in to feel more included. This is not to say that you are the sole person responsible for leaving the sidelines.
Group dynamics can be overwhelming so perhaps try to connect with one person in the group you feel closest to.
You could express to them that you feel overwhelmed in groups and would like to be more involved and see if they can help you feel more included.
Otherwise, you could try planning your own events and invite the group so you are the one taking charge. This demonstrates to the group that you desire to be involved.
The “Social Withdrawal” Pattern
This has happened multiple times where I have been at larger social gatherings and I have been enjoying myself but then I will suddenly feel myself shut down as if my “social battery” has completely run low.
I might become very withdrawn, and quiet, and stop contributing to conversations. I might abruptly leave without saying extended goodbyes.
These behaviors could be interpreted as rude or disinterest in others, resulting in not being invited to other events and can therefore ruin friendships.
Other autistic people may frequently cancel plans, only want to see friends on occasion, and may find it difficult to talk on the phone or take a long time to respond to texts because we may not need to socialize as much as friends.
There may also be different expectations when it comes to socializing:
“I want to just sit in comfortable silence with my friends sometimes. But I think they interpret this silence as a failing friendship or that I am being rude or upset with them about something.”
Advice
If you resonate with the “Social Withdrawal” Pattern, the best thing to do is establish clear boundaries around your social energy from the start of friendships.
You could say upfront that you need some recovering time after socializing and that you find it challenging to talk every day but you’d be happy to have a check-in once a week for example.
If you are in an overwhelming social situation, it is perfectly fine to take some time alone, either outside or in the bathroom, and enjoy a few minutes to ‘recharge.’
Alternatively, be honest with your friends and say something like “I am going to need to leave now because although I have had a great time, my energy levels have depleted.”
With your existing friends, try to open a conversation with them about your social needs by saying “Can we discuss our communication needs because I value our friendship and I want to make sure we are on the same page about some things.”
Friends who respect your energy needs will help create a sustainable friendship that works for everyone involved.
The “Misreading Signals” Pattern
For autistic people, interpreting subtle social cues can be like trying to read a foreign language without a translation guide.
What seems obvious to others can be completely invisible to us, leading to painful misunderstandings and lost friendships.
I have realized with friends that they may not always say what they mean.
An example of this is when I had a friend who kept canceling our plans last minute and I decided to ask her if she still wanted to be friends because it felt like she didn’t want to see me based on her actions.
She reassured me that she did want to be my friend. However, she continued canceling plans I made to meet her. I stopped putting in the effort to make plans and realized this friend did not reach out to try to meet me again.
I feel like I misunderstood the nature of our friendship or hints that she did not actually want to be friends. This sentiment is shared by another autistic person:
“I had no idea my friends were upset with me until they completely stopped talking to me. Looking back, there were probably signs, but I just couldn’t see them at the time.”
Advice
If you resonate with the “Misreading Signals” Pattern, the best thing to do is create clear communication channels with your friends.
This takes courage, but you can start small:
- Ask for explicit clarification when you’re unsure about something (“When you say ‘we should meet up soon,’ would you like to set a specific date?”)
- Find a trusted friend who can help explain social situations you don’t understand
- Be honest about your difficulty reading subtle cues (“Sometimes I miss social hints – please feel free to be direct with me”)
What often helps is explaining to friends: “Because I’m autistic, I sometimes miss social cues or take things literally. If I’ve misunderstood something, please tell me directly – I won’t be offended.”
If they are good friends, they will appreciate your openness and help bridge the communication gap by being more explicit in their communication with you.
References
Mazurek, M. O. (2013). Loneliness, friendship, and well-being in adults with autism spectrum disorders. Autism. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361312474121
