In healthy relationships, you don’t have to work so hard emotionally all the time.
Overgiving can be defined as a relationship that has become so unhealthily enmeshed that people lose their individual strength and autonomy. Typically, a person with these types of traits feels overly responsible for others and picks up the slack in relationships and at work. They want everyone to be happy, so they go overboard and become people pleasers and peacemakers in their relationships. They have difficulty asserting their own needs for fear of rejection or disapproval.
If you’re an overgiver, it can be difficult to step back and let others learn from their mistakes. Though you mean well, you want to overhelp or fix people, or believe that you need to intervene. You might have learned this habit from living with someone who is struggling with drinking or who has narcissism or experiences anxiety.
Not All Overgivers Are Empaths
Many caring people have tendencies to overgive, but not all of them are empaths. Giving too much is more an instinct to control and caretake than an indicator of how much empathy someone has. You can be an overgiver without being an empath. Empaths absorb the stress and symptoms of others, a trait not shared by all overgivers. Commonly, however, both may struggle to set boundaries and perceive others as being separate. Their healing involves learning to be attentive listeners without feeling that it is their job to take on others’ problems.
Overgivers have good intentions and genuinely want to help, but they tend to neglect their own needs and overgive to the point of exhaustion, even to people who treat them poorly. They are at risk of becoming martyrs. Giving is supposed to feel good. If it doesn’t, something is off.
Evaluate your mode of giving using the traits below so that the gift of being of service to others can feel more balanced and gratifying.
Traits of an Overgiver From The Genius of Empathy
- I put others’ needs above my own.
- I keep giving to people who don’t reciprocate.
- I feel exhausted from overhelping or being a martyr.
- I am a people pleaser, working overtime to make others happy.
- I feel guilty saying no or asking for help.
- I can be overcontrolling and micromanage others’ lives or offer unsolicited advice.
- I fear rejection or abandonment if I express my needs.
- I try to rescue people from their problems.
- I believe it is my job to take on the suffering of others and the world.
- I can smother people with my generosity.
The more traits you identify with, the higher you tend to be an overgiver. Having even one trait suggests some overgiving is present. Be gentle with yourself. Begin to balance how much you give and receive. Your goal is to express empathy in a balanced way and feel good.
