Can people really change? When asked, we say, “Yes!” We are obviously not the same person we were 10 years ago.
But surveys say: “Not so much.”
When researchers ask people if they’ve changed in the past 10 years, people usually say they’ve changed quite a lot. However, when those researchers ask their family and friends, they report seeing little or no change.
What’s going on? Why the mismatch between our view of ourselves and others’ view of us?
Aren’t we the experts on who we are? Or do others see us more accurately than we see ourselves? As the Irish poet Robert Burns wrote, “O wad some Power the giftie gie us / To see oursels as ithers see us!”
Do Life Experiences Change Who We Are?
One explanation for these different perceptions is that we tend to value the importance of our life experiences, while others anchor on the stable personality traits they know us for.
We are aware of how we have responded to significant life experiences. We have adjusted our values, perceptions, and behaviors in response to a relationship breakup, job loss, major move, or the birth of a child. And we often rewrite our personal narrative after these major life experiences. “I used to be shy and introverted, but after moving and starting a new life in a new city, I had to become outgoing and social.”
However, our family and friends see it differently. Their opinions were formed early in our relationships and became fixed on traits they have observed: “He does talk a bit more, but he is still introverted and shy.”
So which statement is true? Maybe both.
We can change and stay fundamentally the same.
That distinction matters because it points toward the part of ourselves where change is most possible: our behavior.
What We Can Change: Our Behavior
Our personality is stable by adulthood. Our emotional makeup, intellectual faculties, core motivations, and personality traits tend to remain relatively constant.
But those things do not completely determine what we do. We can decide how we show up.
Someone can be introverted and train themselves to speak up, be social, and outgoing in some situations. Someone who moves quickly can learn to pause before making an important decision. Someone who naturally takes charge can learn to ask questions and listen before offering an opinion.
The underlying person may not have fundamentally changed. But the behavior has, and that changes our impact on other people.
Our behavior is how we show up in the world, which makes behavior not only one of our biggest sources of blindspots, but also one of our biggest opportunities for change.
How Behavior Change Works
In my coaching practice, I frequently encounter the question – can people change? A CEO will ask for my help, “We have this extraordinarily talented , but arrogant, Chief Technology Officer. I need you to help him stop fighting and work collaboratively with the Chief Marketing Officer.” And yet, as we are wrapping up our meeting, the CEO will change course and say, ”I truly want to help him, but do you really think he can change?”
We are not trying to turn the CTO into a different person; we are trying to help him recognize a behavior that is getting in his way and replace it with a behavior that will make him more effective.
This is a much more achievable goal.
Change also has to happen on both sides of the street. My client has to make a change, and others have to recognize and acknowledge that change. If both sides can’t make the shift, the coaching endeavor is doomed to fail.
Before establishing a coaching contract, I ensure everyone involved is motivated for change. And I confirm that commitment by requiring alignment on what the change will look like. Not “be less arrogant.” Not “be a better collaborator.” Those describe the goal, but not the behavior. Instead: “Ask for the CMO’s opinion before offering your own,” or “When you disagree, ask a question before arguing your position.” Only by articulating a behavioral description of the new and improved behavior can we all know what we are working toward, and whether meaningful success has been achieved.
How to Change the Behaviors that Hold Us Back
Humans are pattern-seeking beings. We recognize a familiar situation—or think we do—and reach for a response that has worked before. Over time, those patterned responses become our defaults.
Most of the time we respond automatically. But sometimes, probably less than 10%, we stop and think, “Should I do this or that?”
Those are the moments when we have an opportunity to choose a different response, become more effective, and ultimately change how others perceive us.
The challenge is that we don’t always recognize which of our automatic responses are getting in our way. That’s the nature of a blindspot: We can’t change what we don’t see.
The first step in behavior change is awareness: recognizing the pattern, understanding when and why it shows up, and then identifying what we could do differently.
Start with the problem: What challenge are you currently facing?
Then build awareness: What blindspot might be contributing to it?
Next, identify the target behavior: What is the problematic behavior that needs to change?
Then find the trigger: What makes these behaviors occur?
Now you can identify the new behavior: What would be a better behavioral response?
That is the critical turn. Instead of telling yourself, “I need to be less controlling,” you might decide, “In our leadership meeting, I will ask two questions before I offer my opinion.”
Instead of, “I need to stop getting defensive,” it might be, “When someone pushes back on my idea, I will pause, stay engaged, and ask them to explain their concern.”
Instead of trying to become a different person, you are practicing a different response.
Then make the change concrete:
Where will you practice it? Choose the meetings, conversations, or situations where you want to practice the new behavior.
What will remind you? Create a prompt—a note on your calendar, a phrase on your desk, anything that interrupts the automatic response long enough to give you a choice.
Who will hold you accountable? Find someone who can observe you, give you feedback, and tell you when the old behavior is creeping back in.
How long will you practice? Give the change enough time to become more natural.
And finally: review and revise. Ask what is working, what isn’t, and what needs to change in the plan.
This is behavior change in practice: It’s not about trying to become a new person but intentionally noticing an old response and practicing a more effective one.
Small Behavior Changes Can Have a Big Impact
This should be good news.
Improvement at work is possible, and it doesn’t require changing who you are. Instead, it requires seeing yourself clearly enough to recognize when one of your default responses is getting in your way and becoming intentional about what you do instead.
My coaching experience has taught me that small behavior changes can have a big impact.
You don’t have to change who you are. You can change how you show up. And when you change how you show up, you change your impact.
