People often enter therapy when their relationship is in crisis. In my practice, I have worked with many people who came to me because they had been “blindsided” by their partner. They were going along, thinking everything was OK, when their partner up and called it quits. It has become clear to me that there are subtle dynamics and behaviors operating within these couples that, while often overlooked, indicate their relationship is headed for trouble. Sadly, had the partners seen them and been able to address them, their relationship might have stood the chance of having a different outcome.
Below are some of those dynamics and suggestions for how to address them. Communication is vital in this endeavor. Create a safe atmosphere where each of you feels free to talk about yourselves and your feelings. Make sure you are in a calm state and can come toward your partner from a friendly place. It’s important to be in touch with your caring and loving feelings toward your partner as you talk and listen to each other. By looking at the following patterns directly, you can begin to feel for yourself and your partner and establish an openness toward communicating differently. Here we go:
Each partner has their own storyline about their relationship. One person might think, “I’m sacrificing more,” “I’m working harder,” or “I’m the one who takes care of everything.” And their storylines often conflict. In one couple I worked with, both partners considered themselves to be the primary breadwinner. In another, each identified as the most nurturing parent. A person’s perception of themselves and their partner, and what they each bring to the relationship, can differ greatly. They can be living in two very different realities while sharing the same life.
By adulthood, people generally have developed their own way of perceiving life and the world they live in. This view was formed in childhood as a combination of their unique emotional makeup and psychological wiring/predisposition, and is influenced and reinforced through life experiences. As a result, each person is unique in how they establish emotional attachments and relate to others.
It is helpful to try to “stand in your partner’s shoes,” to understand where they are coming from and what they are experiencing. This requires putting your own thoughts and reactions aside and adopting an attitude of genuine interest and curiosity about them. This means setting down your assumptions about their motives and feelings, and instead really asking and then listening to what they reveal to you about their thoughts and views, their feelings and reactions, and their expectations and intentions.
Each partner believes they are doing the noble thing by not “making waves” and suffering in silence. They imagine they are suppressing their displeasure and quietly making the best of a disappointing relationship. But their unhappiness is apparent. The underlying anger and discontent surface as tension and hostility in everyday behaviors and interactions. There is never one unhappy partner in a relationship; if one partner is unhappy, the other is as well.
A major indication that trouble is brewing is when a couple doesn’t ever seem to disagree. If there is no disagreement, then someone is not being honest. It is impossible for two people to think exactly alike and to see eye to eye about everything. For this reason, you must be willing to have uncomfortable conversations. You must each talk about what you want and what you are unhappy about. You must each be honest about your anger.
The truth is that there are ways in which you are just different from one another. As your communication becomes more open, you will have disagreements. This is a healthy sign of two people relating honestly. And through this process, you will rediscover your own individuality and come to appreciate your partner’s as well.
Each partner feels like a victim in the relationship. Ruminating and suffering in silence leads to a victimized orientation. This doesn’t mean that a person’s unhappiness is not valid or legitimate, but rather the inaction of staying silent in the face of grievances can leave them feeling like a victim of their circumstances. It’s easy to sink into feelings of being taken advantage of or underappreciated. They might even see their nonconfrontational behavior as being noble or commendable when, in fact, they are hurting themselves and their relationship by taking a powerless position.
Relationships Essential Reads
A true partnership requires two autonomous individuals. If either partner is submissive, dominant, childish, or parental, the inequality undermines the relationship. No one is a victim in their life because, as adults, they have the capacity to make choices. These choices may be difficult, but they are choices nonetheless. Choosing to communicate honestly with yourself and your partner can challenge the ways you have grown to feel victimized in your relationship.
Sharing life with another person will be difficult at times, but it can also be one of the most rewarding endeavors you can undertake. Developing compassion for yourself, your partner, and the unique worldview each of you holds, speaking openly about what you each want and hope for, and rejecting the behaviors that leave you feeling like a victim—these are tools that can help your relationship to thrive.
The things you see differently, including the things you will always see differently, are not a death knell for your relationship, but can be a springboard for interesting conversations, compromises, and collaboration. In this atmosphere, the situations that once triggered resentment can be met with affectionate poking fun at one another, a bit of tenderness, a bit of grace. It also allows the potential for true intimacy—really knowing your partner and being known by them. And being blindsided doesn’t have to be an option anymore, because of the honesty between you.
For more insight into this subject, read “3 Practical Ways to Navigate Difficult Conversations.”
