“It isn’t for me.”
This is the answer I often get when I suggest psychotherapy to friends or patients who are struggling with infertility, divorce, long-standing anxiety or depression, career upheavals, or unexpected life events.
When I ask why, I often find the real reason they are saying this is fear: fear that the therapist will manipulate them, fear that the therapist’s questions will embarrass them or trigger anxiety, fear that they will be criticized or expected to become a different person, fear that they will be blamed for their own problems, fear that the therapist can read their private emotions and inner thoughts, or fear that they will not “get” therapy and fail as a patient.
Some colleagues are calling this psychophobia, and it’s often based on myths and misconceptions. So, let’s try to demystify psychotherapy:
- As a psychotherapy patient, you are the one who is interviewing and hiring the therapist, deciding if their communication style, credentials, and therapy orientation feel right to set goals and track progress. In other words, the therapy is yours to personalize, and you get to decide how you want to use the sessions.
- Therapy isn’t a teacher-student relationship, and a therapist’s role isn’t to tell you what to do. It’s a collaborative process with someone trained to help you understand yourself more deeply and make your own decisions. The real value of therapy often isn’t in the therapist’s exact words, but in how those words help you reshape the way you speak to and support yourself.
- Your concerns and “secrets” will be safe because therapists are not friends or relatives who may inadvertently share your private information. Confidentiality is the basis of therapeutic trust, and therapists are required to protect your privacy, unless the law requires lifesaving exceptions.
- Therapy is always time-limited, and you can set the pace. Many patients who want help with a specific and clearly defined problem, like handling the nail-biting waiting time during a fertility journey, find that as few as three to eight sessions are helpful. On the other hand, redefining a new disability as an “inconvenience” rather than a “tragedy,” for example, may take longer.
- You are always in control of when to end therapy. If you find you’re not making progress or you’re starting to feel worse, it’s completely valid to move on. Even if you genuinely like your therapist, remember that you didn’t hire a friend—and leaving can help you better understand what you need moving forward. When you’re ready to look again, try using a directory like the Psychology Today Therapy Directory, where you can filter by specialty, experience, location, and insurance participation to find someone who aligns with your goals and practical requirements.
- Don’t blame yourself if the therapy is not helping or if you are uncomfortable. Too many patients stay too long because they think leaving means they were bad at being a psychotherapy patient, or the therapist might be hurt or angry if they leave. Trust your gut! Therapy is a gift you are giving yourself.
Here’s a final suggestion if you would like to try psychotherapy but are fearful or even “psychophobic”: Look for a telehealth therapist. Meeting from your own couch can feel far less intimidating than walking into a clinician’s office. There’s no check-in desk, no waiting room, no uncomfortable eye contact with strangers, and no anxious commute. Many telehealth clients say that the experience helps them feel more like empowered consumers rather than overwhelmed patients. They can interview doctors and change them more easily without meeting them face to face. Alan Copperman, medical director of RMA of New York and vice-chairman of the Department of Ob/Gyn and Reproductive Science at Mount Sinai Medical Center, says that his patients are “less intimidated during telehealth visits, so we have more of a conversation than a consultation.” He adds that telehealth has special benefits for hesitant therapy patients because it increases their sense of control at a time when that sense is challenged by their anxiety about starting therapy.
Like learning a new language, opening a new app, or visiting a new city, psychotherapy at its best will give you new skills and resources for dealing with your life and a new appreciation of your emotional abilities.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
