If we learned anything from the COVID-19 pandemic, it was that Zoom calls would, for most people, replace live face-to-face meetings. With it came an implied list of virtual rules the likes of which would make Emily Post blush. Chief among them was beginning every question with a polite recognition that began with the phrase, “Apologies if you covered this already, but I’m curious to know…” It was as if SARS-CoV-2 had brought with it a co-infection of polite etiquette.
But apologizing constantly—especially when you haven’t done anything wrong—isn’t politeness. It’s shame in disguise. When shame tells you that you are the problem, apologizing becomes a preemptive defense. You say “I’m sorry” before anyone can accuse you. It feels like humility, but it’s actually self-erasure.
The Link Between Self-Erasure and Chronic People-Pleasing
Much of the research on self-erasure links it to chronic people-pleasing, in which a disproportionate external focus leads to disconnection from your authentic self. This draws on trauma research on the “fawn” response. Initially described by Pete Walker, a psychotherapist specializing in complex PTSD, “fawning” is a response to a threat in which the individual becomes more appealing to the threat—mirroring someone else’s desire to diffuse conflict and find safety by surrendering their own boundaries.
Fawning is considered the fourth F in the fight/flight/freeze response. Fight-or-flight dates back to Walter Cannon’s (1915) work on the sympathetic nervous system. Freeze was introduced later by Dr. Peter Levine. The three Fs were given a home in 1995, when neuroscientist Stephen Porges first published his polyvagal theory. Deb Dana, a clinician who worked with Porges, translated the theory into the Polyvagal Ladder metaphor, a more usable therapeutic construct with three rungs:
- Top Rung: ventral vagal (safe and social).
- Middle Rung: sympathetic (fight or flight).
- Bottom Rung: dorsal vagal (freeze/shutdown).
How Fawning Fits Into the Polyvagal Theory
Where does fawning fit? It doesn’t get its own rung. Generally, it’s described as sitting at the intersection of the freeze/shutdown state, with an extra dollop of appeasement laid on top, since it involves both the immobilization of the dorsal vagal shutdown and a strategic, socially oriented move to placate the threat.
What does this look like in real life? You apologize for having an opinion, for taking up space, for existing in a way that might inconvenience someone else. Here’s the distinction worth making: apologizing for something you did wrong is healthy shame doing its job. Apologizing for who you are—that’s toxic shame playing the part of the officious server, hovering before a table of diners who haven’t opened their menus yet, poised to apologize for making them wait.
Overcoming Reflexive Apologies
Tying it all together: the shame-driven, boundary-blurring apology you offer up reflexively is literally what fawning looks like physiologically. A nervous system that dropped toward shutdown but is using an appeasing behavior to climb back up toward safety rather than genuine repair of something that went wrong.
Here’s your practice. Next time you feel the urge to apologize, pause. Ask yourself: Did I actually do something wrong, or am I apologizing for taking up space?
Because you were never meant to stand on the sidelines when you earned a seat at the table.
