In the last decade, the amount of research that has provided evidence of the correlation between social support and well-being has exploded. If you want to live a long and healthy life, you cannot overemphasize the value of healthy relationships as key factors in reaching that goal. And if all of us followed the advice of medical professionals, mental health professionals, and faith-based guidance, each of us should feel like we’re part of one big happy family by now. Unfortunately, that’s not the case even among blood relatives.
Not everyone had mothers or fathers they revered. Some parents were horrible failures who caused damage with effects that still linger. Some parents tried their best but missed the mark. And some parents ticked off all the boxes for good parenting, yet haven’t heard from their adult children in years. The number of adult children who are choosing to estrange themselves from their parents is growing as the cultural weight of family ties has lessened. About a quarter of adults admit to being estranged from one or more relatives, and it is fathers rather than mothers who are more frequently cut off by their adult children (Pillemer, 2022). Sometimes estrangement begins with outright conflict and arguments; other times, it’s simply a ghosting of the parents by their children.
Fallout from Estrangement for Older Adults
While estrangement is not a new behavior, the stigma for adult children to cut off their parents has diminished, while the stigma experienced by parents who have been cut off remains strong. When grandchildren are involved, the stigma and the pain are amplified. While there are a multitude of circumstances that can warrant cutting contact from parents who harmed their children growing up, there are also too many instances where parents who did their very best are now being cast off and cut off from their adult children and grandchildren. As expected, being estranged from one’s children and grandchildren negatively affects mental health for older adults (Degges-White and colleagues, 2025; Nikolajsen and colleagues, 2025). This can also leave aging adults to become “elder orphans,” as they are left without family members available to serve as healthcare and legal advocates. While elder orphans are typically over 65, live alone, and are childless (Francis, 2022), being estranged from one’s children can result in orphanhood, as well. For older adults, family members are generally an integral part of their social support networks, but estrangement can bring not only orphanhood, but deep bereavement and clinical depression, which minimize quality of life and can shorten the lifespan.
Cultural practices and familial obligations vary immensely, and it is certainly true that some childhood wounds may be too deep to heal cleanly. While estrangements may only be temporary, suffering occurs for the alienated older adult, and reconciliation is very much longed for by them. Reconciliation isn’t a one-sided task, though, as both generations must be willing to explore their role in the conflict or experience that led to the estrangement, or to agree to “memory hole” the period of estrangement and move forward as if there had been no relationship rupture. Until either of these happens, what can the estranged party do?
Leave the Door Open
In my study with alienated grandparents (Degges-White and colleagues, 2025), the prevailing sentiment of the over 1500 people who shared their stories is their willingness to do whatever they need to do to stay connected with their grandchildren, even if their adult child refuses to reconcile.
Recognizing the lack of power that older adults hold in moving their adult child to a place of reconciliation, perhaps the most constructive choice is to metaphorically “leave the door open.” People who have been wronged often want to “get the last word” in a discussion. This can be hard to deal with when you feel that you, not your adult child, was the wronged party. There are often stories about the “last words” a family member remembers being spoken by a loved one right before they died. Or they may remember the last words that they said to a loved one before they died.
Give this a think and ask yourself, what are the last words you want others to remember you by?
Individual Memories of the Same Event Will Vary, Plan Accordingly
Everyone has a different memory of the past, and everyone’s memory is their own reality. Rather than trying to force someone to change what they remember, it can be easier to simply accept that this is their truth. You might say, “While I don’t recall things the way you do, I am sorry that events that happened in the past were so painful for you.” Owning up to past mistakes, acknowledging that you did the best you could, and taking responsibility for your past actions and future actions can go a long way in helping you sleep at night, regardless of the effect it has on your adult child.
Even for those who believe themselves to be the “wronged party,” they should focus on what will be remembered as the “last words” we spoke to the person who harmed us. Or the last voicemail we left, or text, or email we sent. While alienated adults should completely avoid sending multiple texts, leaving multiple voicemails, or repetitive emails, one way to address the rift through communication is with a single voicemail or a single text or email that simply confirms your love for your child, that you’ll be there for them in the future if needed, and that you regret the way things have evolved into estrangement or the role you played in getting to this point.
Sending barrages of communications is a poor choice; think of all the spam phone calls, texts, and emails you receive and immediately delete, along with the pieces of junk mail you receive that go straight into the garbage. Don’t allow yourself or your efforts at communication to suffer the same fate.
Relationships Essential Reads
Summary
- Take heart that the majority of estrangements eventually end.
- Prioritize your support network and share your burdens with people who care about you; carrying the secret of alienation is more emotionally taxing than being open and receiving support from others.
- Accept that it’s not worth the effort to try and change or correct someone else’s memory of events.
- Don’t focus on “getting in the last word,” focus on what you want your “last words” about your adult child’s behavior to be.
- Leave the door open and practice patience.
