When couples use donor conception to build their family, they often do not share the same experience. These differences are often more pronounced when one partner cannot conceive using their eggs or sperm, but even when that is not the case, as in a same sex couple, the non-genetically related parent may be overlooked, or their feelings may be minimized by their partner or by themselves. This can result in difficulties for the individual and for the relationship.
In my three decades of practice, I have occasionally seen couples where the genetically linked parent is more distressed about the need for donor eggs or sperm than the non-genetically linked parent, however, this is not common. More often, the non-genetically linked parent absorbs the stress of treatment, the uncertainty of the process, and fears about using the genetics of someone they don’t know to create their family. They may have feelings of loss about not being able to use their genetics, worry that the child may not bond with them, and feel concerned that the child, or outside world, will view the genetically linked parent as the “real” parent.
These experiences may be shared within the couple, or the non-genetically linked parent may carry their fears quietly. They may wonder what it will feel like at Thanksgiving when relatives stare at the child looking for a family resemblance, or how they will respond to strangers asking probing questions. They may also wonder how they will be a good parent with all of these issues and fears.
While these experiences are not uncommon, they often live in the background and are not always shared. This can create tension for the parent and between the couple.
The truth is that bonding does not happen just because we share genetics. Connection grows in the thousands of small moments between a parent and child over time. Although the non-genetically related parent may worry about bonding, it is important to hold on to the understanding that the child will see them as their parent. Through their relationship, they will live through the ups and downs of family life. Will there be moments of sadness, insecurity, or jealously? Possibly. But those feelings will ease over time as the non-genetically related parent becomes more comfortable with the family they have helped to create, and their place in it.
Given this reality, if you are the non-genetically related parent, staying connected to your partner and taking care of yourself are essential. Here are five things that may help:
1. Name your fears
Vague anxiety is often more difficult to sort out than naming a specific fear. Try to identify what you feel afraid of. Perhaps you are worried about feeling that your family will be disconnected from your long line of Irish relatives, that your in laws won’t see the child as yours, or that your child will not share your musical talent. These feelings are natural. Sharing them with your partner can help you feel less alone with them and reduce the likelihood of your upset surfacing in unhelpful ways.
2. Talk to your partner
As these feelings persist, jealousy or resentment can build. A conversation discussing traits your partner shares with your child at a cocktail party can turn an otherwise enjoyable evening into a tension filled experience. Talking with your partner about your feelings in advance can help.
3. Understand the difference between privacy and secrecy
Your child needs to understand their story, from as early an age as possible, but you do not owe the world a detailed account of your journey. Secrecy implies shame, and this is not about shame; it is about protecting your feelings while you heal and giving yourself the room to decide with your partner how private you would like to be about your family building process. You may decide that you would like to share information with others as the child grows, or you may decide to share every detail with friends and family. The choice is yours and your partner’s together. Talking to your partner will give you a chance to decide what you would like to share with others and prepare you for those awkward moments that will inevitably arise.
4. Create rituals
Rituals can be one of the best tools for building a family identity. Pizza on Friday nights, Sunday afternoon walks, or a bedtime that is special to your family are all habits and traditions you can create together. These experiences can help you bond and build your unique family characteristics. The traditions and life you build together are not about genetics; they are about the family you have created.
5. Get support
Having a therapist who understands third party reproduction can make an enormous difference. The feelings that come with being a non-genetically related parent are real and complex, and they deserve real attention. Working through them with someone who understands this landscape can help you separate what belongs to you from what belongs to your child, and move forward with more clarity and confidence.
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It is also worth acknowledging that the genetically linked parent has their own set of feelings to navigate. They may feel guilty about what their partner is going through. They may feel uncertain about how to support someone whose experience they cannot fully share. They may worry about the balance of the relationship and whether the non-genetically related parent feels equally valued as a parent.
Recognizing each other’s emotional needs and making space for both experiences is what makes the difference. Neither parent’s feelings are more valid than the other’s. Both matter and both deserve attention.
The parents I have seen thrive are the ones who named their fears, talked to their partners, and got support when they needed it. Parenting is never perfect, but honesty, care, and effort can make all the difference for the individual, the couple, and the family.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
