For those of us who grew up in dysfunctional and/or chaotic households, control may have been a tool we used to cope with the uncontrollable. However, as you probably know, the belief that we can control everything is just an illusion to calm our stressed-out nervous systems.
This coping method may begin to fall apart when we realize the limit to the amount of control we have in our lives. While certain coping tools may assist us in surviving a chaotic childhood, they may be more detrimental to our well-being as adults.
I understand wanting an ordered, predictable life. Heck, I used to be the queen of wanting predictability.
At a certain point, though, we realize that the concentric circles of what are under our control are actually much smaller than we’d thought. Attempting to control that which we cannot control can only lead to frustration and a lack of inner peace, forever chasing the unattainable.
Trying to Control the Uncontrollable When a Loved One Falls Ill
Surviving a loved one with a terminal illness or an elderly parent in severe health decline is a perfect example of this. Emotionally gutting, at times it saps every ounce of our emotional energy. Knowing the inevitable is coming for the parent or loved one and not having any genuine control over it can feel like standing in a house with a shaky foundation, awaiting the big earthquake.
It may also place us in a holding pattern, not sure of how or when to proceed with important aspects of our lives for fear of the loved one’s health taking a drastic downturn. For those who have lived with this situation for a long time, there may be a feeling of—and guilt over—just wondering when the emotional exhaustion will be over and the inevitable tragic ending will occur. These are all natural feelings for a deeply painful experience for which we cannot control.
How to Start Letting Go of the Illusion of Control
Letting go of the belief that we can control the situation, though, may be an essential ingredient in maintaining emotional well-being in this circumstance. This is especially true when control is often what we want most for our declining loved one’s health.
1. Finding inner peace by changing our cognitions: “Secondary control strategy”
One strategy for releasing control may be attempting to change one’s own cognitions about the situation (referred to as a “secondary control strategy“) rather than trying to change the loved one’s health situation itself (“primary control strategy”), such as in the case of caring for a parent with dementia.
Secondary control strategies such as positive reappraisal (reframing the situation to find the positive aspect or any possible “silver lining”) may be more effective than primary control strategies in this circumstance. While it may be difficult to find a silver lining in this case, an example might be thinking tenderly about happy memories with the parent or loved one, as well as spending more frequent and quality time with them, even when it is over the phone or video chat.
2. Remind yourself that it’s not a linear process.
Letting go is far from a linear process, though. It’s more akin to a push-pull of anticipatory grief over the impending loss, followed by attempts at letting go, and then wanting to pull the loved one back to us emotionally again. The mind and brain know we need to let go, but the heart and soul want desperately to hold onto our loved one.
This push-pull process of letting go may be eased a bit for some individuals through spiritual coping methods. For those who resonate with spiritual coping methods, saying the Serenity Prayer may assist them in letting go of control and may provide feelings of comfort.
3. Remember: It is their path, not ours.
A certain amount of relief may also come with the realization and acceptance that it is the parent or relative’s path to travel and not ours. Our path includes supporting and assisting them when we can while taking care of our own emotional, physical and spiritual well-being, and knowing when to let go of the illusion of control.
Above all, though, remember to be gentle with yourself while attempting to let go. Self-care is vital on this tender journey.
