I was invited onto the “Beyond the Bump” podcast last month. This is an Australian podcast, hosted by two young mothers, Sophie Pearce and Jayde Couldwell, who have built up a large following in the maternal space. We had an amazing conversation about maternal ambivalence—it was authentic, curious, and energetic. We learnt about each other’s work and how they understand the everyday current experience of mothering. During our conversation, I had a glimpse into the workings of this passionate and enthusiastic team.
A Conversation About Maternal Ambivalence
We reflected on the everyday layered experiences of mothering and maternal ambivalence; how complicated mothering is and the importance of trying to make sense of it. These moms articulated the truths of their mothering so well, saying things like:
“The hard things are so often coupled with positive.”
“Before having children, I’d never experienced something that made me feel so torn before.”
“The reason we go back for more children is that yes, the hard parts are there, but there is beauty to it. It’s this delicate dance.”
I chimed in, “And that’s what ambivalence is. It’s the ability to have two truths occurring at once.”
We talked about how mothering is a continual process of making mistakes and repairing them, which is how we learn. This conversation led them back to their own childhood and to rethink what their own mothers went through. While they thought as children that their own mothers didn’t make mistakes, they were able to revise this understanding. They recognized a symmetry between the generations and a newfound understanding that their mums also made many mistakes and often didn’t know what they were doing. However, they remarked on a difference. Maybe in the old days, their mothers didn’t have the freedom to voice their truth.
This recognition was one of many magic moments in our exchange. Mothers these days are becoming more comfortable talking about the challenges of mothering. Moms need a safe place to unpack their feelings, and those of us in the mothering space need to encourage this.
The enthusiastic conversation continued with other truths. As moms, we make it up as we go along; we need to remember that the vast majority of us do the best we can and that the difficulties of mothering are not there to be fixed but to learn from.
Then another moment of vulnerability entered into our exchange. It became evident that Sophie wasn’t sure what maternal ambivalence really means.
I was thankful that they kept drilling me.
The Baby Bag Metaphor
Then there was a total pivot, an epiphany, a moment in conversation when Jayde began articulating her understanding of maternal ambivalence in the most sensitive and memorable way, using a metaphor of a baby bag.
I think we were all startled.
To paraphrase her words, she said that being a mom meant carrying a baby bag around all day. You can see through the bag that it contains many contradictory emotions, including frustration, anger, love, and sadness. She continued that every day your bag is full of these emotions. You carry it around, and then at the end of the day, once you sit back down and unpack the bag, you realize how necessary all this is. You do the same thing the next day, and you keep unpacking it. She cautioned that rather than stigmatizing these feelings, they need to be used.
What It Means to Have a Team
Aside from Jayde’s words, I was struck by the to-ing and fro-ing between these two women. I witnessed firsthand exactly what I mean when I talk about how crucial it is for a mum to have someone on her team: someone to both challenge and support her, someone who always has her back. I was faced with two mums who were building on the stories of their lives in honest conversation. It was so clear that they are each other’s team.
The co-hosts were encouraging and filling each other. As Jayde unpacked her metaphor, Sophie urged her on by saying, “Jayde, gorgeous, keep going,” and “my G-d I’m gonna cry.” She was saying: You reached me. They were speaking their own language—the strong and compassionate voice of two mothers together.
Then, more magic. Jayde added to her metaphor by saying, “Let’s use these feelings to propel us to something more productive.” Bullseye. This is maternal ambivalence. It’s transformative. It’s what allows us to keep showing up every day. Their word propel is so powerful. I’m going to borrow it. It’s a forward-moving force which has intent.
Making Space for Mothers’ Truths
These young women had put their own words to maternal ambivalence and had claimed it as their own. They truly get it. They exemplify the essence of my work, as I was given the opportunity to learn so much from their interactions and their wisdom.
I was watching my work being reimagined and retold through their own powerful voices and stories, which emphasized the importance of:
- Accepting and normalizing what the everyday bag of mothering is filled with.
- Being transparent about the feelings that you carry in your bag.
- Engaging with the metaphor, which has the power to reach people—in this case, young mums who not only carry literal bags, but also emotional baggage with them.
- Using technology to spread ideas and exchanges.
- Providing a safe place for mums to talk, which helps to lift taboo and silence.
- Having a supportive team around them.
They describe what motherhood means—”carrying a whole f****** bag of emotions.” A real and raw summary of what we do as mums. Yet despite this, we can still move forward.
On their Instagram, they ask the question: “How have we never heard of maternal ambivalence?”
Now, their followers will.
