Hyper-competitiveness often accompanies perfectionism and overworking.
For many, especially those perpetually struggling to manage inner turmoil, work provides a clear path. Its hierarchies tend to make sense, with evident ways of climbing up and down the ladder. Its relationships have clear boundaries and guidelines. Its rewards are predictable and meaningful: We can anticipate a raise or what life would be like if we’re promoted. Work is linear, or at least appears to be, thus contradictions either aren’t evident or purportedly instantly resolved.
Work may provide a blueprint that one’s personal life isn’t able to. Therefore, for many workaholics, work feels safe.
A workaholic tends to be someone whose identity is defined, for the most part, by their role in their profession. They frequently think about work, excessively worry about being replaced, become depressed if they aren’t able to work when they expect to, and fail to find pleasure in activities unrelated to their career.
Despite this not being an officially recognized addiction per the DSM, some meetings for addicts incorporate workaholics to some degree. Yet due to cultural perspectives and rewards, such as widespread admiration and envy, many in these circumstances don’t consider their habit problematic, like someone with an eating disorder who’s told they look more attractive due to weight loss. Thus, few of them seek help for their workaholism.
When on the verge of collapse, many experience a deep sense of shame for being unable to continue to push through, fearing letting down their team and being replaced. They struggle with trusting their place in their companies and, more importantly, their place to people.
Workaholics struggle with several manifestations of dysfunctional thinking patterns. They tend to engage in the “shoulds,” believing there aren’t good excuses for not working, with the exception of being extremely physically ill. They tend to personalize, terrified of mistakes or time off because they believe they’ll be blamed and severely punished for them.
They often conceive of the world in a black-and-white way, believing you’re either hard-working or lazy. They may also catastrophize, believing that mistakes ruin reputations. And they tend to disqualify their positive traits and achievements in many ways, most frequently by telling themselves that the past is the past and they have to continue to earn their keep. Their mindset is: What have I done lately? Workaholics typically base their self-image on utility and productivity; they can’t fathom just being liked.
In treatment, we often ask our patients to ask others what they like and appreciate about them. They usually discover that their efforts (e.g., problem-solving, listening, advising) have long-standing meaning and that their other tendencies (e.g., being funny, outgoing, and/or interesting) contribute to the affection afforded to them.
Normally, because of the plethora of what they have to offer, most accept that being able to engage with those traits in another only sometimes is much better than having them available all of the time (since they know the fallout of codependency), thus they don’t demand more attention. We can say something similar about work—overall productivity tends to allow for grace.
Employers and colleagues usually empathize with burnout and prefer harmony to perfectionism in most work settings. (This doesn’t mean you won’t be overworked but that you can negotiate time off because you’re most likely valued.)
Psychiatrist Glen Gabbard writes, “Obsessive-compulsive persons are characterized by a quest for perfection. They seem to harbor a secret belief that if they can only reach a transcendent stage of flawlessness, they will finally receive the parental approval and esteem they missed as children.” This sort of magical thinking appears frequently at work—perhaps based, in part, on the concept of the American Dream: “If I work hard enough, all of my dreams will come true.”
So, when dealing with this personality type, or if you are one, the question to ask, at least initially, is: Is what’s sought after already possessed? Most of the time, workaholics already have the esteem of those around them, friends included, despite their limited engagement. However, because they don’t feel lovable, they wait for the universe to reward them with that sense of lovability. They’re waiting for reason to match feeling.
Unfortunately, the universe can only provide so much. Thus, we have to learn how to utilize the evidence we have.
In the quest for perfection, or certainty, the perfectionist finds themself on a wild goose chase, doing more and more for less and less. They’re already likely loved but seem to believe they need to first somehow learn to love themselves (which usually means winning love by becoming more useful) or that others need to provide them with more proof of loving them. (In rarer instances, some believe they’ll only become lovable if they reach a particular social standing or believe they are simply because they have.)
On the contrary, they need to start seriously engaging with others and their feedback, learning to live with the contradiction of how they perceive themselves and how they’re perceived. A requirement is accepting that proof is always limited and even subject to revision. Thus, we have to learn to live with probabilities as opposed to certainties.
