When we understand how children grow emotionally, we can support them more effectively. Milestones can be helpful guides, but remember that many children struggle with emotion regulation, especially when they’re tired and/or hungry. Use developmental milestones as a guide rather than hard lines that will be crossed at a particular point in your child’s life.
Emotional Development Milestones in Early Childhood
Infants (0-12 months)
Even before babies can speak, they communicate emotions through crying, facial expressions, and body language. Around 6 months, babies begin recognizing emotional expressions, which helps with social referencing—looking at parents’ faces to understand uncertain situations.
When you comfort your crying baby or smile during play, you’re showing them their feelings matter and that others will respond. This builds secure attachment, which is linked to healthy emotional development.
Toddlers (1-3 Years)
As language develops, toddlers begin naming emotions. “Happy,” “sad,” and “mad” usually appear around age 2. During this stage, they also begin to imitate their surroundings and start displaying early signs of empathy and self-conscious emotions. They may appear upset when others cry or show self-conscious reactions when receiving adult feedback about their behavior.
Toddlers become more independent and show unique personalities. They start learning emotional control in social situations, but their ability varies greatly depending on how resourced they feel. Just because your child restrained themselves from hitting yesterday doesn’t mean they can do it today after a difficult day.
Preschoolers (3-5 Years)
Preschoolers talk about complex feelings like “embarrassed” or “proud” and understand that people can feel different emotions. They might show guilt, though they don’t fully grasp why someone else feels guilty.
As emotional awareness grows, children experiment with managing feelings, but the process is far from smooth. You might see them hiding frustration, laughing when nervous, or claiming they’re “not sad” while crying. These signs show they’re noticing internal experiences, even without regulation skills yet. This is where adult guidance becomes crucial.
Each child moves through these stages at their own pace. What a child should be able to do is what the child in front of you is actually doing. They’re already doing their best with the tools they have.
How Does Neurodivergence Impact Emotional Development?
Neurodivergent children, including those with ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, or learning differences, experience and express emotions differently than neurotypical children.
Sensory Processing and Emotions
Many neurodivergent children have heightened or reduced sensitivity to sensory input, which directly affects their emotions. A child might become overwhelmed by clothing texture, leading to what looks like a tantrum but is actually sensory distress.
Executive Function Challenges
Children with ADHD or autism often struggle with executive function skills, making it harder to identify, process, and regulate emotions. They might have intense reactions that seem disproportionate because their brain’s emotional regulation system works differently.
Communication Differences
Some neurodivergent children struggle to verbalize emotions or express them through behavior. A seemingly defiant child might actually be communicating anxiety. Creating alternative ways to express emotions through pictures, movement, or sensory tools can help (as long as the child has the option to not participate if they prefer).
How to Help Children Identify Emotions
1. Beginning to recognize emotions through facial expressions
Emotion recognition is often the first step in emotional awareness. It involves noticing that an emotional response is happening.
Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work tells us that it can be difficult to recognize emotions from an arrangement of our facial features. Different people’s faces look different when they’re expressing the same emotion, and each of us also uses expressions differently. Sometimes when I purse my lips, I’m feeling frustrated, and other times I’m feeling angry: How could another person possibly know which one I’m feeling if I don’t tell them?!
We also see that relying on facial expressions gets us in trouble when our children laugh after they hit us. We interpret that laughter as “fun/enjoyment,” but actually it can often mean “ashamed.”
Rather than teaching that specific facial expressions link to specific emotions, teach children to notice when someone is experiencing an emotion and wonder what’s happening:
- Point out expressions in books: “Look, that character is smiling! How do you think they’re feeling now that their cake is finished?”
- Observe people’s expressions: “Liam is crying. I’m wondering what’s going on for him. Should we check?”
- Play emotion acting games.
2. Connecting emotions to body sensations
Emotions live in our bodies too. Teach children to notice:
- Racing hearts when excited or scared
- Tense shoulders when angry
- Heavy stomachs when worried
- Light chests when happy
Start by observing: “I notice your shoulders are high and your fists are clenched. I’m wondering if you’re feeling angry?”
3. Build an emotion vocabulary
Many children use simple terms like “good” or “bad.” Expand their vocabulary by:
- Introducing new emotion words in daily conversations
- Labeling your own emotions precisely: “I’m feeling frustrated because the computer isn’t working.”
- Using a feelings list that helps identify emotions when needs are met or unmet
- Noticing emotions in any story you’re reading: “I wonder how that character is feeling right now?”
- Playing emotion games like charades
- Daily check-ins during transitions
Final Thoughts
Supporting children’s emotional development isn’t about rushing them through milestones. It’s about meeting them where they are. When we help children notice their emotions, connect feelings to body sensations, and build their emotional vocabulary, we give them tools that will help them build their emotional intelligence.
