Some children seem to be natural talkers/sharers. They offer what happened at school, speak about what they are feeling, and generally come to you about anything on their mind. However, even these children go through periods of time when they close down to you. Then, there are children who, from birth, seem to keep everything inside. You may see changes in behavior, such as lots of smiles or sad expressions, but they do not identify those aloud to you, and the changes can be quite subtle at times. When something likely to have been upsetting happens in your child’s small or larger world, how are you, as a parent, to know if your child is doing OK when they are not talking about it?
Whether your child is typically a sharer but now won’t or is all the more their customary non-sharing self, the first thing is to try to identify the “why” behind your child’s reticence.
Jordan is an 11-year-old fifth-grader who lives with his mother, an art teacher; his dad, an optometrist; and Marla, his second-grade sister. His parents were concerned because, although he was ordinarily forthcoming, he wasn’t talking about the death of his favorite aunt. They had asked a bunch of times if he was doing OK and how he was feeling about Aunt Lorena dying, and were met with shrugs or monosyllabic responses. The more they asked, the less he said. They didn’t know if this was worrisome or just the way he needed to be right now.
What are the possible reasons that Jordan shut down?
There are four basic reasons to consider for any child who seems closed down to you in the face of upsetting events. Is it…
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A developmentally appropriate demonstration of separating or seeking autonomy and independence as the child gets older and tries to handle things more on their own or with peers?
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A sign that you are not as available for open conversation as you might think? Are you on your phone or always busy with something, or seeming too tired, sad, or judgmental to be approached?
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A sign that they are overwhelmed with feelings but do not know how to articulate them?
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An indication that this is what they need to do right now, and they will, in good time, begin to express how they feel to you.
You can try to clarify which of the above reasons is most prominent and, at the same time, create more closeness with your child by talking with honesty and heart. This models openness with your child without making it “teachy.”
How to Encourage Closeness
The first step is to share your observations in non-judgmental ways. That would sound something like this:
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“It seems to me that ever since Aunt Lorena died, you have not been talking about how it feels for you. You don’t have to talk about it with me, but it can be a relief to let feelings out.”
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“Grandma Charlotte used to say, ‘Pain shared is pain halved,’ and I am here to help you with any feelings you have about Aunt Lorena dying. If you don’t want to talk with me, there are lots of other ways to sort out what you feel and let feelings out.”
What you are conveying here is that your primary interest is not in “getting your child to talk to you.” Rather, it is in being there as a resource to help them find ways to grapple with what has been upsetting. To that end, you can offer to connect them with an adult friend, clergy member, or therapist. You can offer avenues that do not require conversation per se, such as music, dance, art, yoga, or meditation. And to maximize their comfort in sharing feelings with you, you can ensure that they know that they can ask anything, say anything, and that you are available 24/7 as a no-judgment zone. We emphasize the “at any time” aspect of your availability because children are often most in touch with their thoughts and feelings when going to bed. We have probably all had the experience with a younger child of walking to the door to turn out the light at night, only to have your child just then pipe up with some very important feeling or piece of information.
Applying this approach in their interactions with Jordan, his parents found that he was more relaxed with them about it. He did tell them that he didn’t want to talk about it with them, but he would like to maybe talk with Aunt Betsy. He didn’t spell it out, but it became clear as his parents continued not to act defensively about that, that Jordan felt his parents were really too busy between their work and his little sister, and that in the evenings they seemed to be always on their cell phones. His parents arranged for Jordan to have time with Aunt Betsy and asked only that she tell them if she was concerned about him or not. They promised Jordan that they would not press Betsy for details of what he said, but wanted to be sure she was thoughtful about whether he needed more support. Aunt Betsy felt that Jordan was very sad but OK and that he was also mad at his parents for being too busy with Aunt Lorena in recent weeks. They used this information to be sure they made time with him in the evenings, with no screens, to just hang out or even play cards or catch.
The outcome for Jordan and his family was that his parents felt more comfortable with some knowledge of how he was doing, and that they also spent more one-on-one time with him. It led to greater closeness and ease between them all.
If you create this kind of communication pathway with your child, you will likely reap even longer-term benefits. Your child is more apt to come to you in later years with difficult feelings as they recall your caring but non-judgmental response in the past. They will value the respect for them that you conveyed in prioritizing how they needed to deal with their feelings, even while you stayed aware of what was going on for them. And from this comes trust, connection, and resilience, a way to get through the inevitable challenges life confronts us all with at some time.
