One of the things we hear from parents is that they feel terrible after losing their temper with their child. That temper flare could look like yelling or lobbing unreasonable consequences for problematic behavior. Sometimes, it can be more like withdrawing from your child—the silent treatment or cold terseness. It just does not feel good after the event when you recall those times. Another difficult time is when you feel very anxious about your child. You may hover or ask just a few too many questions about whatever the issue is or become stiff because you are working hard to hide your anxiety.
Example: A Parent Losing Their Temper Over Dawdling
Jasmine is an 11-year-old sixth grader who is generally cooperative and in good spirits. One issue, however, is that at times she dawdles when getting ready for school in the morning and has been frequently late or just sliding onto the bus at the last moment. Her mom, Anita, understood this dawdling as expressing some anxiety about a school test or a struggle with a friend. She had done the same thing herself as a youngster and had often gotten into trouble for it. So, Anita tried to patiently engage Jasmine in the steps necessary to get out the door on time. She also made a chart of rewards for when Jasmine did so. But one morning, Anita was just beyond exasperation. As Jasmine changed her mind about what to wear for the fifth time, Anita found herself yelling at her to get her act together and “get out the door” and saying things like, “You are impossible! You’re unable to do something as simple as pick out your clothes!” She told Jasmine she would ground her for a month if she was late.
Jasmine made it out on time, slamming the door on her way out. As soon as Jasmine was gone, Anita felt awful about her loss of control.
The specifics vary but this is an example of the kinds of moments when you might feel angry by your child’s unwillingness/inability to follow your rules or guidance. Sometimes it is about getting into bed, or staying in bed, or getting started on homework or discontinuing computer games.
To us, these kinds of moments offer opportunity in the sense that our challenges can become our greatest teachers. What can feel like a standoff with your child can teach you a lot about what is going on within yourself. Losing your temper is a blinking alert sign that more is going on for you in that moment than the concrete issue with your child. Tuning in to what that signal is telling you allows for mindful parenting: being self-aware and self-reflective as you navigate these tense times as a parent. This usually leads to greater equilibrium while managing challenging behavior and therefore fewer of those self-recriminations that would follow your own loss of composure. This is especially important because when you get activated that often leads to the situation escalating. Your child hears mainly your anger and may feel some combination of anger and anxiety because of it—and then your message is less effective and the conflict can also snowballs.
Tips to Guide You Toward Mindful Parenting
1. Identify your first body cues to rising exasperation and anger. You can do this by just observing yourself in any setting with anyone. When you first recognize you are angry, you can scan your body to see where that is showing up—maybe your neck muscles have tightened up or your jaw is clenched. The usefulness of this is that sometimes we don’t realize we are angry when we actually are, and if you can note that your shoulders have hunched up, it will signal to you that you are angry and it is time to at least mentally step back (even telling your child you need a minute), take some slow deep breaths that will relax you physiologically and plan with greater calm how you want to handle the situation. For Jasmine’s mom, it was definitely jaw clenching and gritting her teeth. The next time Jasmine began to dawdle, her mom recognized that clenched jaw feeling and after a few slow breaths, she re-equilibrated in time to not blow up.
2. Identify what kinds of moments with your child activate you. Usually there is a pattern. Jasmine’s mom began to see that it was whenever Jasmine was doing things that her mom deemed self-defeating like being late for school. It was less about what Jasmine wasn’t heeding and more about the fact that Jasmine was doing something that would end up causing a problem for herself. It upset Anita to think of Jasmine struggling.
3. Come up with a concrete plan for what you will do when you inevitably feel angry at your child. Maybe it’s that you will say that you need a minute (as in #1 above) and closing your eyes or stepping outside of the room to check in with yourself.
While the example is about managing your anger, the same approach is very helpful when you are very anxious about your child. The same steps, but the emotion is different.
Being mindful in this way may feel like it is daunting. When you are feeling intensely exasperated, how can you remember to stop and think but like any muscle, the more you use it the stronger the capability gets. And it may feel like it would take too long—who has time in the midst of herding your child out the door in the morning to pause and reflect? It may seem laughable but in reality it takes nanoseconds to do—imperceptible time, especially as you get into the habit of doing it.
Trust in yourself—this is something you can do. The effort is well worth it, say many parents because it opens up choice. You can choose how you interact and then find you and your child more in sync, more connected and overall happier. With that also comes a greater sense of mastery and good feeling about parenting and fewer tense times with your child.
