My impulse was to tune her out. I imagined a million reasons to discount her before I heard what she had to say. And I caught myself.
My judgments were eclipsing my curiosity and compassion. A part of myself had taken the stage, seeming fearful and motivated by competition. I asked that part to step aside.
I took a breath and looked inward. For the moment, I chose to act opposite to my urges and move toward my values. I reminded myself of all I could learn from her and my core belief that I can learn from anyone. I intentionally took the time to do so. That evening, I took my insights to my journal to further my self-discovery.
When You See Something You Don’t Like
Noticing something inside ourselves that we dislike can bring forth an avalanche of self-criticism. Yet, we all carry aspects that can be difficult to face. Piling on the penalties does little to move us toward our best.
It can also be tempting to look away or to beat ourselves up for the perceived flaw when that potential self-criticism feels unbearable.
Yet, this ability to recognize these triggers to our shadowy tendencies holds virtue. Noticing our sensitivities can help us learn about ourselves and reveal core challenges to work through.
What follows are five ways that you can respond when you see something inside yourself that you don’t like.
1. Take a Moment
Often, the tendencies we dislike in ourselves are accompanied by urges that go against our moral compass. From my example above, disregarding others is not congruent with the person I want to be. Being able to catch myself before falling into this trap is not easy, and usually, I need a moment to reorient so that I can make the choice I desire.
2. Ask yourself, “Is there something else at play here?”
When we find ourselves tripped up, often there is more to it than meets the surface. It could be as simple as feeling exhausted from too little sleep or too much stress. On the contrary, it might also be something deeper, like a reminder of someone else from our past or the situation sparking a core fear.
3. Consider What Core Needs Might Be Triggered
Triggers often represent core needs. The need could be for connection, relevance, inclusion, security, or others. We are often more easily pulled into tendencies that we dislike when we feel vulnerable. For example, jealousy may spring from a sense of scarcity left over from a painful experience in the past.
4. Assess What Values You Have
We don’t have to figure out all our “stuff” to decide to take a step toward our values. Sometimes, doing what matters to us is quite the opposite of what feels right in the moment. Ask yourself, “Regardless of how I feel right now, how do I wish to be in this moment?”
5. Jot Down a Note to Reflect on at Another Time
Our triggers are often windows into difficulties we have yet to work out. Taking down a note so you can journal on the topic later or discussing it with a therapist may bring fruitful revelations.
