As a therapist and a mother, I was deeply moved by the miniseries Adolescence. This portrayal of some of the most torturous aspects of being a teenager was deeply moving and held the attention of therapists and non-therapists alike. Briefly, Jimmy, a young teenager, kills a girl who is mocking his sexuality and turned down his offer for a date. This, of course, touches on issues of misogyny, bullying, male entitlement, and rage. Additionally, it brings up the role of a therapist who is assessing and possibly treating someone who has major self-esteem issues and is begging the therapist to reassure him/her that he or she is attractive and desirable.
This is always a difficult moment in therapy because there are no right and wrong answers here. The actress who played the role of the clinical psychologist handled this moment beautifully, despite Jimmy’s rage at her because she wouldn’t answer him when he asked whether or not he was ugly. She stayed away from answering the question because a therapist cannot adequately answer such subjective questions.
This issue comes up frequently in therapy, particularly with teens who are facing constant comparisons on social media. Thank goodness, many of us did not have social media while growing up. Nonetheless, we experienced bullying in a variety of other forms. As we know, bullies are extremely creative. They can bully overtly or quite subtly. Or they can treat their victims to both private and public displays of torture. This is not hyperbolic. Those bullied cringe at their memories of being bullied for decades well after the bullying incidents.
Now, back to the issue at hand. Teens who are bullied, and even those who are not, often ask the therapist if they are attractive enough, pretty enough, ugly, gay, fat, too skinny, and on and on. Answering these questions is not the way to go. Telling a teen that he/she is pretty will not provide reassurance. The best way to respond is to ask the child what situations make him/her feel good or bad. We know that how we feel about our physical selves is very much connected to who we spend time with and whether or not we are in the company of good friends. This is particularly true of teens. Let the question go and move on to helping the child develop a daily life that has opportunities to feel good, to feel joy, and to feel necessary. The same is true for adults who ask for this sort of reassurance. Help them develop a life that has moments of joy and accomplishment.
Always keep in mind that there are no right and wrong answers when a client asks you to evaluate their appearance. Even if your answer is reassuring for a moment, it will be short-lived. And, you certainly do not want to tell someone that yes, they are unattractive. So, please don’t make the therapeutic error of falling into an evaluation trap, because it certainly is a trap. Proceed carefully in all arenas of therapy. Your clients are counting on you to be cautious.
