Finding a romantic partner is no small task. Neither is figuring out an answer to the age-old question, “Who am I?” Can these two tasks be pursued simultaneously? Or, must you “know yourself” before you’re able to have a successful relationship?
Prioritizing the Self May Support Finding Love
You probably know someone who dated regularly, decided to focus on themselves, and then found their dream partner. The classic story goes something like this:
A friend jumps from serious relationship to serious relationship, finding a new partner very quickly after the last. They adopt the habits of their “now” partner, only to drop them and take on something different when the new partner steps in.
Finally they decide, that’s enough! They stop the cycle and decide to stay single. Shortly thereafter, someone enters their life unexpectedly. This new relationship turns into their forever relationship.
Did that time alone make a difference? Is knowing yourself a prerequisite to finding a satisfying long-term relationship?
The Self-First Theory Reflects Classic Developmental Psychology
Some theorists suggest that self-knowledge is an essential task before love can form. Erik Erikson, for example, is the famous psychologist who sketched a stage theory of development that identified key milestones from birth to death. He identified adolescence as the critical period when individuals are tasked with identity exploration. This stage might involve tumultuous uncertainty, questions, and exploration, maybe even an “identity crisis.” Ultimately, healthy people emerge knowing who they are.
Only after identity achievement, Erikson argued, can people enter adulthood, when the primary psychological task is to find intimacy instead of isolation. In other words, Erikson suggested that identity formation is a precursor for healthy romantic relationships.
Evidence Supports Self-First Theories
Today is quite different than the mid-1900s when Erikson proposed his ideas. Still, evidence supports the possibility that a clear sense of identity makes it easier to find lasting love.
A 2010 study conducted in Germany found that people tended to follow a developmental sequence that mapped onto Erikson’s model, with ego-development (i.e., identity formation) as a precursor to intimacy (Beyers & Seiffge-Krenke, 2010). In this sample, identity development progressed as adolescents aged, and more identity development predicted a greater likelihood of entering a romantic relationship as time went on.
This offers modern-day support for Erikson’s ideas: identity development may set the stage for intimacy.
Relationships May Be Better for Those With Greater Self-Knowledge
Identity growth might simply correspond with age, and people might simply enter relationships later in the developmental trajectory. However, a more nuanced look at self-knowledge suggests there may be a relationship advantage for people with a strong sense of identity.
A recent study out of Finland showed that a subset of people “commit” to their identity, and these people tend to enter relationships earlier than others (Peters et al., 2026). In this longitudinal work, people who showed low identity commitment but also high exploration were especially unlikely to be married. All this supports Erikson’s stage theory.
Not only might people build their identities before they enter relationships, but some research suggests people are happier in relationships when they have a clear sense of who they are. In this line of research people with greater self-knowledge also reported greater relationship satisfaction (Tenney et al., 2013). In other words, the people who know who they are not only more likely to enter relationships, they may also be happier when they’re in them.
Relationships Provide Opportunity for Identity Development
A problem with Erikson’s model is that it suggests we “achieve” or solidify our identity development in our early years, and that’s that. We are who we are.
Modern psychologists recognize that identity development continues over the lifespan. Instead of arguing that we know who we are first and then enter relationships, the dominant view is that relationships provide fruitful contexts for exploration and self-knowledge development. One study, for instance, showed that young people in serious romantic relationships later, in their cross-lagged model, experienced greater depth in identity exploration and more identity commitment (Kindelberger et al., 2020). Relationships helped them with their identity growth.
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Knowing Me, Then Growing Me
So how do we reconcile these ideas? There is no doubt people change in their relationships. This is an essential and motivating aspect of being closely connected to someone else: romantic partners influence us, and we them. Self-expansion theory, for instance, suggests we all have a fundamental motivation to grow, and we seek out relationships in part because they help us do just that (Aron et al., 2022). We expand our sense of self through our relationships.
At the same time, solid grounding in our sense of self may support finding the “right” self-expanding relationship. Recent evidence offers the possibility that greater self-concept clarity, i.e., having a clear understanding of self, may help people on the dating market (Kubin et al., 2024). If you’re uncertain about yourself, you may be open to people who are not compatible with you. In other words, people who know themselves may be choosing better partners. Perhaps this explains why they’re happier in those relationships (Tenney et al., 2013) later on.
Taken together, knowing yourself may provide an important advantage in the dating game, but identity development isn’t over once you’re in a relationship. People with stronger and clearer senses of self may be better poised to enter relationships, but once in them, there’s more growth possible. Close relationships may support new identity insights, but also provide a window into new self-exploration and growth.
