While listening to The Prof G Podcast recently, Scott Galloway, in a conversation about friendship, mentioned the oft-quoted idea that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. This sentiment, popularized by motivational speaker Jim Rohn in the ’80s and ’90s, traces its roots back to much older thinkers like Aristotle and Confucius. The core concept: Proximity shapes not only our character but also our success.
But what Rohn, Galloway, and this eclectic mix of ancient philosophers may not have accounted for is how modern life has eroded that very proximity. The weakening of religious institutions, the geographic dispersion of work, and the replacement of in-person community with social media scrolling have all contributed to something more worrisome. We are more disconnected than ever.
Which begs the question of whether we can still be the average of the five people we spend the most time with if we’re barely spending meaningful time with anyone at all?
I believe it’s time to improve on this idea.
Today, we are not the product of the five people around us. We are the product of the five—or however many—activities we build purpose around.
Our identities no longer, and probably never did, emerge primarily from our immediate social environments. They radiate from within. They form around what lights us up. The things we pursue not because others do them, but because they matter deeply to us. This internal compass becomes the guiding principle for how friendships and communities now form… not the other way around.
Why does this matter?
The path to success, meaning, and belonging isn’t paved by simply surrounding yourself with people who appear to have figured it out. That very mindset fuels an over-reliance on the same influencer culture that’s leaving so many young people anxious, lost, and chronically comparing themselves to famous people online.
And let’s be honest. What incentive do these already-successful people have to welcome you into their lives? If they’re thriving, they probably already have a circle they trust. Are they really looking to mentor someone, hoping to “level up” by proximity?
It’s tempting to believe that being around successful people will somehow rub off on us. But in practice, that approach rarely works. Instead of focusing outward on what others are doing, you’re better served by turning inward and getting clear on who you are and what lights you up.
That’s where real growth begins.
So what’s the alternative?
Stop worrying so much about networking, positioning, or finding your “five.” Start thinking about your purpose anchors; those deep, personal drivers that keep calling to you.
What is it that stirs your spirit? What keeps you up at night? What makes you lose track of time?
Is it writing a novel? Launching a podcast about the American West, or AI, or adventure travel? Mentoring others? Building something from scratch?
Whatever it is, build a life around it. Commit to it. And in doing so, you’ll start showing up as your most authentic, energized, and intentional self.
From that space, you’ll naturally find others on similar journeys—people who share your purpose, your values, and your passions. They will become your five people. Your collaborators, friends, mentors, and students. Not because you chased them, but because you built something real that brought them into your life.
How do you find your purpose anchors?
Try asking yourself:
- If I were lying on my deathbed far too early, what would I regret never having the courage, energy, or time to pursue?
- What brought me joy as a child—before grades, careers, and expectations clouded the picture?
- What aspects of my current work do I dislike? And what’s left over when I strip those parts away?
- What am I curious enough to try, even if it scares me a little?
There’s no such thing as failure here. You either enjoy the activity, or you learn it’s not your thing and explore something else. Both are wins.
In conclusion
We are not the product of the five people we spend the most time with. Those five people are, more accurately, the result of the purposeful life we choose to pursue.
So instead of chasing friendships or hoping that success will rub off by osmosis, dig into what lights you up. Live a life anchored in purpose. Build from there.
As a hospice doctor who has often listened to the wisdom of the dying, I can promise you this:
You won’t regret it.
