My wife Shannon and I absolutely love springtime in the Northeast. Each day offers new surprises.
Oh wow, the spring peeper frogs just started singing tonight!
Did you see the pink dogwood in front of the porch today?
The goldfinches are back at the feeder—aren’t they just so delightful?
The rose bush we planted last year is starting to grow buds!
But you know, not everyone takes the time to stop and smell the roses (metaphorically speaking). And, let’s be honest, sometimes you just have stuff to do, and smelling the roses doesn’t make it onto the agenda.
The Psychology of Being Present-Focused
Various studies have shown that having a present-focused approach to daily life provides benefits (e.g., Rush & Grouzet, 2012). Being present-focused when it comes to how one utilizes their time, as well as simply reporting having a positive attitude about being present-focused, are predictive of various markers of health and well-being. So when someone tells you to stop and smell the roses, they are probably looking out for you and giving you helpful guidance.
While there are certainly conditions and times that demand total focus and attention (e.g., you might not want your airplane pilot to start taking pictures of cool cloud formations during your flight), when circumstances allow, the age-old wisdom of stopping to smell the roses—or making an effort to exist in the present—is advice that matches the evidence regarding time focus and well-being.
Mismatches in Time Focus in Relationships
People vary in terms of time focus (Rush & Grouzet, 2012). Some people focus more on the past than others do. Some focus more on the present. And some focus more on the future. And, as with many personality variables, the way that someone focuses on time has implications for intimate relationships.
Imagine if you are totally a “stop and smell the roses,” present-focused kind of person, while your partner is highly future-focused—a classic taskmaster. In this case, as is often true when partners differ on important psychological variables, relationship dissatisfaction and conflict may well emerge. In fact, a great deal of research has found that similarity in attitudes and approaches to situations tends to go hand-in-hand with positive relationship outcomes (e.g., Rentzsch, 2022).
If you are highly present-focused and your partner is highly future-focused, it is easy to see how conflict might emerge. For instance, you and your partner may go to an art museum on the weekend. You, being highly present-focused, find yourself reading each and every sign and spending careful attention on various details of the works that you are delighted to be learning about. Meanwhile, your future-focused partner may be way ahead of you. And after an hour, your future-focused partner might start looking at their watch and start talking about traffic, how long it is going to take to cook dinner, etc. When members of a couple are mismatched in terms of time focus, stress and conflict arising from a discord on how time is approached may well be inevitable.
Bottom Line
Stopping to smell the roses is not always possible. But when it is, psychological research shows that it is a good thing. It not only boosts your own well-being, but if your partner also has the capacity to be present-focused (or can learn to be so), benefits to your relationship are sure to follow. And when you and your partner stop to smell the roses (and the dogwoods, and the daffodils, and the irises…) together, without realizing it, you are probably cultivating your love garden along the way.
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I want to give credit to my wife, Shannon, who always gets me to stop and smell the roses, and who helped shape the ideas that fed into this post.
