I have been thinking recently about the many friendships I have formed through work. Having lived for work in both the United States and the United Kingdom, I am aware that expectations around friendship can vary across cultures. Some cultures place a stronger emphasis on maintaining lifelong social connections, while others may be more accepting of friendships that emerge around particular life circumstances.
Over the past five years, working in mental health services in the UK, I have formed many close friendships through work. Sharing long shifts, difficult situations, intense training, and emotionally demanding experiences can create a sense of connection that develops quickly and feels deeply meaningful.
Yet when people move roles, organisations, or locations, many of these friendships naturally fade. Looking back, I do not see them as failed friendships. Instead, I see them as relationships that were important for a particular period of my life—friendships that shaped a chapter, even if they were not meant to last a lifetime.
The Friendships That Shape Us
Chapter friendships appear throughout life. They may develop at university, during a first job, while raising young children, during a period of illness, or after moving to a new city.
Workplace friendships provide a particularly common example. We spend hours together, navigate challenges, celebrate successes, and support one another through stressful periods. Colleagues often know details about our daily lives that even long-term friends may not see.
Psychologists have long recognised that proximity plays an important role in relationship formation. The more frequently we encounter someone, the more likely we are to develop familiarity and connection (Zajonc, 1968). Shared experiences, goals, and routines further strengthen these bonds.
Over time, these friendships can feel deeply significant because they genuinely are.
When Life Turns the Page
The difficulty comes when the circumstances that created the friendship change.
A colleague moves to a different organisation. A university course ends. Children grow older. Someone relocates or enters a new life stage. The shared environment that once brought two people together disappears.
Sociologist Scott Feld (1981) argued that friendships are often organised around “social foci”—shared settings and activities that create opportunities for interaction. When those structures disappear, maintaining the relationship requires considerably more effort.
Sometimes friendships adapt and continue. Other times, they gradually fade.
The fading itself is often interpreted as evidence that the friendship was not genuine. In reality, the opposite may be true. The friendship may simply have fulfilled its role within a particular chapter of life.
Nostalgia Without Reconnection
Years later, we may think about these friends with genuine affection. We may smile when we hear their name or remember conversations that helped us through a difficult period. Yet we may feel little desire to reconnect.
This can seem strange. If the friendship mattered, shouldn’t we want to revive it?
Not necessarily.
Research on nostalgia suggests that positive memories can provide comfort and meaning without creating a desire to recreate the past (Sedikides et al., 2008). We often miss the period of life as much as the person themselves.
The former colleague may remind us of our early career. The university friend may represent a time of possibility and exploration. The friendship becomes linked to a version of ourselves that no longer exists in quite the same way.
Why Letting Go Can Be Healthy
Social media has made it easier than ever to remain loosely connected to people from every stage of life. While this can be valuable, it has also reinforced the idea that meaningful relationships should be preserved indefinitely. Human relationships have rarely worked this way.
Throughout history, people have formed close bonds within communities, workplaces, schools, neighbourhoods, and shared experiences. Some relationships endured, while others naturally dissolved as people moved through different life stages.
Developmental research suggests that our personalities, priorities, and social needs continue to evolve throughout adulthood (Roberts et al., 2006). As we change, our relationships inevitably change too. Accepting this reality may help us move away from viewing every faded friendship as a loss.
Measuring Friendships Differently
Perhaps we need a different way of evaluating relationships. Rather than asking whether a friendship lasted forever, we might ask what role it played in our lives. Did it provide support during a difficult period? Did it help us grow? Did it offer companionship, laughter, or a sense of belonging when we needed it most?
If the answer is yes, then the friendship was successful.
Chapter friendships remind us that relationships do not need to be permanent to be meaningful. Some people walk beside us for a lifetime. Others accompany us for a few pages. Both can leave a lasting mark on who we become.
No AI tools were used to generate the content, ideas, analysis, or authorship of this article. AI-assisted software was used solely for minor grammar and spelling checks.
