Growing up in New York, I understand how humor can be hurtful. Sarcastic barbs that diminish a person are not humorous at all. Yet, held lightly, humor can soften painful edges, ease defensiveness, and bring a welcome spaciousness around life’s challenges.
The humor I’m referencing isn’t about telling jokes in defensiveness—a strategy to deflect others’ displeasure with us. And it’s certainly not about disparaging anyone. It’s about bringing lightness into situations so we can hold them a little more gently. Well-placed humor can soften shame, reduce defensiveness, and help us stay connected to ourselves and others.
Healthy Humor Versus Defensive Humor
Sarcastic humor can wound. Our partner can’t find her keys, and we say: “You’d lose your head if it weren’t attached to your shoulders.” We’re late for a dinner date, and our partner is upset, and we respond: ‘It’s interesting how you don’t like it when I’m late, but you’re the one who’s slow getting out of the house when we want to go somewhere.” Such sarcasm can rupture trust and create distance.
Research by Rod Martin and colleagues found that affiliative and self-enhancing humor are associated with greater psychological well-being, while aggressive and self-defeating humor link to less healthy outcomes.
When you’re about to say something you think is humorous, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
- Is my intention to be hurtful or to bring some lightheartedness to the situation?
- If I’m being lighthearted, am I minimizing feelings, avoiding discomfort, or helping create ease and connection?
- Am I feeling kind–or acting out my anger or displeasure indirectly?
Healthy Humor Toward Ourselves
Healthy humor has a way of disarming shame and softening our inner critic. It may take the form of self-amusement at our own foibles rather than harshly judging ourselves. Shopping at Costco one day, I felt annoyed when someone was blocking the aisle with his cart: “Doesn’t he realize people need to get through?” A few moments later, when I stopped my cart to peruse some items, a man turned to me and said good-naturedly, “May I get through?” Yikes! I was doing the very thing I was criticizing others for.
As my self-image of being more thoughtful than others was rudely pierced, I experienced a moment of shame and self-criticism. What helped me recover my dignity was having a sense of amusement toward my foibles. I realized that I didn’t need to take my lapse of awareness of my surroundings so seriously or condemn myself. Although I intend to be mindful, like everyone, I’m quite capable of lapsing; I’m no better or worse than anyone else. A touch of humor with myself loosened my attachment to an idealized self-image and helped me find a greater measure of self-acceptance.
Once during a therapy session, I knocked over my glass of water, immediately followed by a profane utterance. Not only did I embarrass myself by spilling my water, but I dug myself into a deeper hole by my immediate reaction. Catching myself, I looked at my client with a wry smile: “Well, that wasn’t a very professional utterance!” Fortunately, my client smiled back at me in a spirit of acceptance. Humor can help defuse awkward situations and humanize us.
Humor can help us see things with more perspective. Being human, we’re all prone to making mistakes, being shortsighted, and sometimes acting in ways that spoil our self-image. When we can smile at our humanity rather than condemning ourselves, we can live with more ease and less self-seriousness.
Being Playful
Saying something playful at just the right moment can diffuse tensions and soften the interaction. It can help us release our rigid positions and offer a breath of fresh air, which can help with repair and maintain connection.
Bringing more playfulness into everyday life can make our relationships feel lighter, more enjoyable, and more connected.
Try this: if you eat meat or fish, next time you’re at the deli counter, ask for .61 or .97 lbs of whatever you order. The puzzled look—or smile—you receive from the unusual request may remind both of you that life doesn’t always need to be so serious.
When someone you’re complimenting responds that you’re being too generous, you might respond: “Well, my motto is: let in a compliment whether we think we deserve it or not.”
You might experiment with other creative ways to bring a bit more playfulness and joy into your life and the lives of others.
Humor can be double-edged. Used carelessly, it can wound and create distance. Used wisely, it can soften shame, ease tension, and help us navigate life’s challenges with greater perspective and grace. The humor that heals isn’t about making people feel uncomfortable or minimizing painful situations. It’s about sensing when the moment feels right to hold ourselves, our struggles, and one another with a little more lightness.
