Erin, a mom at her wits’ end, looked at me pleadingly and said, “Dr. Jeff, what am I missing here? I was being completely reasonable with Paige” (names have been changed to protect privacy). Yes, Erin was being (as she saw it) reasonable as she replayed the recent chaotic episode featuring none other than twelve-year-old Paige.
By the way, the incident Erin was referring to was Paige’s recent 12th birthday party. Oh, those wonderful memories that parents get to look back on. If you are wondering what the catalyst was that stoked Paige’s ire, it was that her newly acquired birthday present, her new phone, came with some unexpected screen usage controls and time boundaries.
Why More Explanation Leads To Surges in Emotional Reactivity
In the above situation, Erin was shocked to see that her ordinary limit-setting had turned into a big-time blow-up with Paige. Erin learned an in-your-face, intense lesson: sometimes being super reasonable at the wrong time can make already upset children even more emotionally inflamed. That’s because when children become intensely upset, their nervous systems go on a big-time emotional surge before the thinking part of their brains can catch up. I tell my clients that at this point, it is similar to trying to reason with an adult who is intoxicated.
What Not To Say
As I explain in my book, 24 Hours To A Less Reactive Child: The One-Day Reset to Reduce Conflict, Calm Big Emotions, and Reconnect, many caring parents start to talk more when their child is emotionally struggling. So if you picture doors slamming, refusing to speak, or totally shutting down, those aren’t times to say certain things. Unless you want to pour kerosene on the reactivity fire, don’t say things like: “We’ve already discussed this,” “You know why I said no,” or “Can you please just listen?”
Yes, I will admit these all sound like sensible sentences, but the big-time problem is you’re appealing to your child’s reactive brain at a time when it can’t listen. In short, when your child is emotionally surging and you try to explain with logic, you add more pressure (because they can’t truly process what you are saying), and they feel tons of pressure.
What To Do That Works Better
To help re-regulate your reactive child’s emotions, first help them name them to tame them. For example, saying “You sound really upset right now” is something they can hear because it’s true and it resonates. Next, think less is more: lower your volume, lower your intensity, and slow your speaking pace.
To help accomplish this, I encourage parents to imagine being suspended from the ceiling, looking down to see the whole interaction, rather than just hearing themselves speak. Last, hold your boundary without overexplaining it. For example, Erin realized that instead of simply saying “the phone stays downstairs tonight,” she kept explaining and unwittingly fueling Paige’s anger.
