Can we talk about the mental load? This is not a new topic. Women have been talking about this for years.
- Honey, do we have more diapers?
- Sweetie, where are his clean outfits?
- Hey, have you arranged the baby’s play date/doctor’s appointment/preschool visit yet?
- And even worse, (substitute your name here), what are we having for dinner?
These questions make women grind their teeth, develop sudden headaches, and retreat to their bathrooms for a moment to calm down…when they don’t outright cause them to blow up.
Mothers, especially working mothers, are feeling that they are carrying the bulk of the work of thinking ahead and anticipating their family’s needs as well as doing the actual work of making their households function. In my parent groups and in my individual sessions with mothers, this comes up all the time.
A U.N. report defines the mental load as the invisible mental and emotional labor behind handling life’s never-ending to-do lists, including caring for others, managing a household, and delegating tasks. It’s the energy we spend thinking about and anticipating everyone’s needs,
Women tend to carry more of the mental load than men, even when they work and, surprisingly, even when they are the primary wage earners in the family.
The excuse men give for is their is their idea that the women in their lives are better multitaskers than they are. Men will often say that they are glad to be of help if only the women will tell them what to do. Of course, this is a catch-22, as delegating tasks is a central part of the mental load. Having to think of what someone else needs to do and to tell them in enough detail that they can understand how to get it done is exhausting in and of itself.
And this excuse does not hold up. Studies show that when fathers are the primary caretakers for children, there is no appreciable difference in the quality of care given to the children when compared with families where the mother is the primary caretaker (Jones et al., 2022). Men can do it, multitasking or not.
Leah Ruppanner, a professor of sociology at the University of Melbourne in Australia, and author of the book Drained, explains that there is not one form of mental load, but eight different types. While many men are definitely taking on more at home than in previous generations, women are still overwhelmingly burdened by this hidden work, which can often result in burnout. Rupanner lists the eight forms of mental load as: life organization, emotional support, relationship hygeine, magic making (establishing traditions and making magical moments for the family at holidays, birthdays, and other special times), dream building (helping family members get involved in what interests them, signing them up for sports and clubs and hobbies), individual upkeep (keeping healthy, eating well, presenting a good enough image to the outside world), safety, and meta-care (thinking about how the family is doing, what should change, and what can stay the same).
So, what can parents do to start to put an end to this mental load gender gap? Ruppanner suggests that women stop thinking that it is their job to keep everyone in the family happy and stop taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings. And UN Women suggests:
- Toss out the gender stereotypes. Catch and question the assumptions you make about whose role it is to provide care, make plans, and manage responsibilities.
- Make the invisible work visible and verbal. Talk openly in your family about what needs to get done and what goes into doing it.
- Encourage children, including boys, to learn household tasks and care skills early.
- Plan and discuss needs together.
- Advocate for better caregiving policies with your employer. Talk to your boss and work through your union or human resources department for policies that support caregivers, including parental and family leave policies.
- Use your vote during elections to support candidates who support more and better family leave policies and legislation supporting young children and families.
