Nobody likes feeling out of control, unless we are enjoying the safe-but-scary thrills of a rollercoaster or horror movie. When it comes to the important stuff of life, like our intimate relationships, health, and finances, we all like to feel in control.
But if you struggle with anxiety, you are likely to be especially sensitive to feeling out of control. You may also seek certainty, trying to think ahead and plan for every eventuality.
Anxious Inner Child
As I explain in my new book, Heal Your Trauma: How to Overcome a Painful Childhood to Become Happy and Whole Again, viewed through a schema therapy or internal family systems (IFS) lens, this means you have an anxious inner child, feeling small, scared, and vulnerable. A cluster of protective parts around this anxious little one are working hard to keep them safe. These protectors might include a perfectionist, who makes sure you never make mistakes so you can never be criticised, blamed, or attacked if things go wrong.
You will probably have an inner worrier, worrying away 24/7 when that little part feels anxious, doing all the mental bridge-crossing that helps you anticipate threats or dangers up ahead and try to problem-solve them. There will likely also be an avoider, helping you avoid the things that make you anxious, such as parties or public speaking.
The (Reassuring) Illusion of Control
You will probably have a controller, the protective part we are focusing on here. This part seeks control at all times and in every area of your life. But it may show up more in some areas than others, perhaps helping you control your children so they never risk being hurt or falling behind at school. For others, work is their hot-button issue, so they try to be (or at least appear) in control all the time, maintaining a polished, professional appearance, even if they are panicking inside.
The problem is, although we may seek control in many areas of our lives, it can be impossible most of the time. Humans do not exist in a vacuum. We live in systems, both large and small. Our first system is our family, born or later chosen. Next comes our friends and colleagues, our community, city or town, country, and ultimately the entire human system of eight billion fellow souls, with whom we are inextricably linked in many ways.
As any parent knows, it’s hard enough to control your children (parenting toddlers or teenagers, anyone?), let alone any of the other people in your orbit. Here’s a short list of things we might like to control, but sadly have little or no power over:
- Aging and mortality, of those we love and ourselves
- Hormonal cycles, especially for women, both monthly and over a lifetime (like perimenopause)
- The economy
- The weather
- Climate change
- Political systems, local and national
- What others think of us
- The behaviour of those we love and rely on
Relinquishing Control
*Katherine came to see me because she had just been diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, a common diagnosis for people with chronic worry and anxiety. She worried incessantly, often lying awake until 3 am worrying about her kids, health issues, and political causes she was passionate about, such as climate change and the potentially harmful impact of AI. “Worry just makes me crazy,” she told me. “I know it’s not rational, but I can’t help myself; the thoughts just swirl round and round in my head until sleep is impossible.”
Poor Katherine was exhausted, getting five hours’ sleep on a good night and just two or three on bad ones. But struggling with insomnia like this is common for anxiety gripping their belly and worry spinning round and round in their heads. To help Katherine, we first identified the cluster of protective parts trying to keep Little Katherine safe. All of the above protectors were present in her inner system, but her dominant protector was the controller. “My kids get so mad with me because I micromanage them all the time,” she admitted. “My husband too. They call me a control freak, and they’re not wrong.”
When we gave this part a voice, we learned it meant no harm, quite the opposite. Katherine grew up with two alcoholic parents, in a home full of drunken chaos, screaming and fighting. As a child, she learned to control what she could—keeping her clothes clean, lining up her dolls in neat rows, making sure her schoolwork was always perfect. These healthy, adaptive coping responses to the chaos of her childhood got wired into her brain, because she repeated them over and over for years, until they formed the protective parts that now drove her family crazy and kept her up half the night.
Helping Protectors Relax
Using the IFS “healing steps,” we got permission to help Little Katharine and processed the traumatic memories that made her so anxious. When she felt calmer and safer, we could then help the protectors relax and take a well-earned break. We also set her concrete, behavioural homework that involves letting her kids live freer, healthily riskier lives (climbing trees, riding their bikes, having sleepovers with friends). Little by little, as her controller relaxed, so could Katherine.
This brought calm and ease to her family, which also made Katherine happy. “It’s weird, because I always thought I needed to be in control all the time to keep everyone safe,” she said in our last session, “but I now realise I was holding on way too tight. The more I relax, the more my family does too. I had to let go!”
If this resonates with you, get to know your inner system, especially protectors busting a gut to keep you safe. You might need some help from a skilled, parts-based therapist to untangle the tight ball of protection in your mind. But remember that the secret to a life with greater contentment, ease, and joy lies in learning to let go, a little.
The protection you needed as a little kid is probably too much for your adult self. Life is too short to waste with well-meaning, but ultimately self-defeating attempts at constant control.
*All case studies in these posts are composites; I never tell the stories of real clients, as confidentiality is very important to me.
