Well, here’s a dreadful approach to dating and relationships. It’s being called the “dread game” because it’s when a person stokes fear in you—the fear that he or she might leave you—in order to keep you in line. Yikes.
The ‘Dread Game’ Is About Maintaining Fear and Worry
It’s basically a twisted version of that 1995 Shania Twain song, “(If You’re Not in It for Love) I’m Outta Here!” The twist here is that when a romantic partner does the “dread game,” it’s not for love but rather for control over you. That person wants you to believe that you are as replaceable as a pair of underwear that he or she could drop on the bathroom floor at any moment.
There are different ways that people can keep you in a state of such dread. These range from comparing you unfavorably with their exes to mentioning how others desire them so much to threatening to leave unless you do what they want you to do.
The whole “dread” thing can really rear its ugly head when the two of you disagree on something. Instead of talking through things in a mature, constructive manner, your partner may say something like “Maybe we aren’t a good match,” “This is how my last relationship ended,” “This makes me really rethink everything about our relationship,” or some other dramatic statement. This essentially flashes a red light that says, “Stop, or else I’m leaving you.”
This is a shift move, so to speak, to try to flip you from arguing to reassuring your partner. This may even make you forget about the disagreement altogether. You may be particularly susceptible to such a game if you’ve got a fear of abandonment or being single, an anxious attachment style, or a belief that you are just not worthy of such a partner.
Once it’s clear that this “red light” works on you, expect it to be flashed again and again. Your partner can always use the “I might leave you” threat to control anything that you do. This could leave you in a perpetual state of hypervigilance and worry.
The ‘Dread Game’ Can Be Hard to Spot
Before using such a red light on you, your partner may have to give you a bunch of green lights to get you hooked on him or her. So, the “dread game” can be preceded by a hot-and-heavy phase where your body rather than your mind begin advising you. It can also be set up by a love-bombing phase where your partner drops heavy compliments and statements like “we were meant to be with each other” on you.
All of this initial green-light stuff can camouflage the subsequent red-flag entry into the “dread game” phase of your relationship. When you start hitting red lights, you may blame yourself and focus on finding those green lights again. Your partner then can alternate green and red lights to achieve Squid Game-like control over you.
The ‘Dread Game’ Can Be Planned or a Reaction
While both men and women can play this “dread game,” it’s recently gotten attention since members of the so-called “manosphere” have been advancing it as a way to deal with women, who, in their words “don’t know their place.” Such manospherers claim to have taken the “red pill,” revealing their so-called truth: that you either dominate or are dominated in relationships with no in-between possibilities.
Such black-and-white thinking isn’t necessarily restricted to the manosphere, as plenty of men and women across different organizations, institutions, and industries think in the same zero-sum way about their professional relationships and may let such thinking spill over to personal relationships as well. All of this can stem from insecurity. Deep down, they may believe that they alone are not good enough to get what they want—whether it’s advancing at work, keeping someone attracted to them, or handling a disagreement—and thus must resort to manipulation.
So, yes, any “dread game”-like tactics can certainly be part of an overall deliberate and calculated strategy. They alternatively can be unintentional learned reflexes brought on by stress, confusion, the inability to handle conflicts constructively, and ironically dread. So it’s important to determine whether you are dealing with a one-time or simple misunderstanding thing versus a continuing involuntary reaction thing versus a true “dread game” thing. The number of times such red light events happen is key as once can be an accident, twice a coincidence, but three times is a trend.
How to Respond to the ‘Dread Game’
Now, if it’s a true “dread game thing,” you may want a relationship where one partner is dominant over the other. You may be fine with a relationship based on fear and dread. You may even get all hot and bothered by the prospect of Freddie Krueger from The Nightmare series or Annie Wilkes from the 1990 movie Misery being your partner. Everyone’s is different, and you should find whomever best fits you romantically.
Relationships Essential Reads
Assuming, though, that you do want a relationship based on mutual trust with an equal partner and stuff like that, then it’s better to recognize as soon as possible when the “dread game” is being played or the red light tactics have at least become a trend. Then, don’t just “dread” ahead. Make it clear that you don’t tolerate such behaviors. If your partner isn’t willing to change, then you can simply leave the relationship—not threaten to leave but actually leave.
Be careful, though, as your partner might in turn switch into save-the-relationship mode. This can include temporary promises to change. Taking him or her back and then doing this cycle over and over again can be kind of playing the “dread game” yourself. Therefore, put a clear limit on anything that you do.
If you truly believe your partner means well and could change, one option is to get a professional like a therapist involved. The goal would be to help your partner realize how having control is not necessary in a relationship and how to deal with differences in ways that strengthen the relationship. Don’t take this option lightly, though, because such change isn’t easy.
Beware of wasting too much time on someone who’s never going to be a good fit for you. And don’t let those who play the “dread game” make you dread the thought of dating anyone. While there may be lots of red lights out there, stay open to finding the true green lights for you.
