At some point, most couples find themselves up against an issue they are struggling to navigate and engaging in more arguments (or suppressing emotions and avoiding conflict), which starts to take a toll on the relationship. When this happens, emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT), a scientifically backed approach developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s, offers hope for couples, helping them overcome trust issues, improve communication, and rebuild their emotional connection.
Why Couples Get Stuck According to EFCT:
Emotionally focused couples therapy is grounded in the belief that secure emotional bonds are essential for a thriving and resilient relationship. After practicing EFCT with couples for a decade, I have found that the easiest way to the fundamentals of EFCT in simple terms is as follows:
- Most arguments and fights in a romantic relationship follow the same pattern, which is called the negative cycle in EFCT. Each partner plays a predictable role in co-creating this negative cycle in their interaction.
- The core issue underlying most couples’ disagreements and the reasons they feel stuck are deeper emotions and unmet attachment needs that they rarely express to each other in their arguments. These emotions can be feelings of loneliness, hurt, sadness, fear of abandonment, a sense of inadequacy, shame, or guilt. They might struggle to express these emotions and attachment needs of feeling seen, loved, and cared for due to fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, or past attachment injuries where their partner let them down or betrayed their trust.
- Once couples are able to access these deeper emotions and express their attachment needs in conflicts, they can create a new, secure dynamic in their relationship. This gives them the tools and resilience to navigate present and future conflicts in a way that builds intimacy and closeness, helping them feel heard and seen by each other.
How Attachment Styles Shape Relationship Patterns
Understanding couples’ dynamics from this lens in EFCT underscores the important role attachment styles play in romantic relationships. Often, in working with couples who are struggling, I see that partners played similar roles in past relationships. They played either the pursuer, who put in disproportionate effort in the relationship to talk about the issues they were dealing with, even if it led to unproductive fights, or the withdrawer, who kept their emotions close to their chest, shut down in conflicts, and walked away from conflicts. A lot of the time, the “Aha” moment that helps couples commit to being more vulnerable with each other and express unmet needs is seeing their own patterns of behaviors in past and present relationships. This helps them understand that if they don’t do the work of getting to a place of secure attachment with their partner, they will most likely repeat these patterns in future relationships and find themself in a similar position.
Also, each partner’s attachment style may impact the other partner’s behavior. For example, research shows that a partner with an anxious attachment style will experience more attachment anxiety in a relationship with an avoidant partner, as they will most likely experience more triggers of abandonment. Whereas, a relationship with a secure partner will help them feel less anxious, as their secure partner can validate their need for closeness, even if they can’t always meet their needs, helping them feel more secure in the relationship.
What to Expect in an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Session?
There are three phases of therapy in the Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy model, and the focus of therapy changes in each of these three phases.
- Phase 1 – De-escalation via Recognizing Negative Cycles: At the beginning of couples therapy, the therapist helps couples recognize the repetitive patterns or “negative cycles” in their interactions. These cycles often revolve around emotional triggers, such as feelings of rejection or abandonment. Identifying these cycles is a crucial first step towards change.
- Phase 2 – Restructuring Interactions via Shaping New Core Emotional Experiences: This stage helps partners explore and express underlying emotions and unmet attachment needs in their interactions with each other, instead of just expressing frustration, anger, criticism, and resentment. This process begins to restructure the couple’s interactions. The EFCT therapist also helps partners become more available and responsive to each other’s emotional needs as they start communicating with greater vulnerability.
- Phase 3 – Consolidating a Secure Bond: The focus of this phase is to strengthen the couple’s new secure dynamic by addressing everyday issues in sessions and mastering these new ways of communicating. The emotional safety that EFCT creates between partners provides a solid foundation for resolving conflicts in ways that bring them closer in the present and for the future.
Applying EFCT Principles in Your Relationship
If you’re interested in improving your emotional connection with your partner using the principles of EFCT, here are some steps you can take:
- Seek Professional Help: Consider working with a certified EFCT therapist who can guide you through the process. They will help you identify negative cycles, express emotions, and restructure your attachment.
- Make Space for Self-Reflection: Explore your own emotional needs, vulnerabilities, and triggers. Understanding your emotions will enable you to communicate more effectively with your partner.
- Break the Negative Cycles: Work together to identify and interrupt your negative cycles. When you notice yourself feeling too frustrated or shutting down in conflict, let your partner know this is happening and take a pause in conflict to resume after you’ve had a chance to ground yourself. Start to notice what happens in your arguments that triggers an escalation in your emotions or makes you shut down.
- Emotional Expression: When you feel angry or frustrated with your partner or find yourself shutting down in conflict, ask yourself what else you might be feeling beneath these emotions, such as, hurt, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, feelings of abandonment or feelings of inadequacy? Also, reflect on what makes it hard to share these vulnerable emotions with your partner? Could it be fear of abandonment, rejection, or more hurt? Even just this awareness can start to shift relationship dynamics. If expressing these underlying emotions verbally feels too hard, try writing them down to share with your partner via email or a letter.
- Practice Patience: Building a secure emotional bond takes time and effort. Be patient with yourselves and each other as you navigate this together.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
