Narcissism, characterized by grandiose self-perceptions, attention-seeking, and a sense of entitlement, is damaging to relationships. Narcissism expert Keith Campbell describes it as “like a disease where the sufferers feel pretty good, but the people around them suffer.” There is no shortage of discussion, in both popular media and academic research, on the deleterious effects narcissism has on interpersonal relationships, particularly over the long term.
If narcissists think they’re great, does that mean they are unaware of the damage they’re doing to others or the negative impressions they make? Are they blissfully ignorant of the harm and bad reputation they leave behind? Or are they aware of their own narcissism and know perfectly well how it affects others? Research suggests that they are very much aware of their narcissism, and they don’t think it’s a problem.
Do Narcissists Know They’re Narcissistic?
The answer to this question is a definitive “yes.” The simplest evidence comes from psychologists who measure narcissism. Personality psychologists measure narcissistic traits in the general population and rarely focus on people with the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. There are several personality questionnaires that measure these traits, and each questionnaire contains multiple items, so study participants can receive a score ranging from relatively low to relatively high in narcissistic traits. The most widely used measure is the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI). In order to be more efficient, researchers developed the single-item narcissism scale, which asks participants to rate the extent to which the following statement is true of them: “I am a narcissist.” (The researchers included a note to participants defining “narcissist” as egotistical, self-focused, and vain). In the study, participants who answered this single-item question also completed the longer NPI. The results showed that there was, in fact, a consistent, moderate correlation between participants’ responses to this question and their NPI score. In short: if someone admits they are a narcissist, they usually are.
Multiple studies have shown that narcissistic individuals do, in fact, describe themselves as high in narcissistic qualities and behaviors. Those who score higher on narcissism scales rate themselves as more arrogant and more likely to exaggerate their skills. They also describe themselves as more condescending, more likely to brag, and more likely to criticize others. These self-perceptions also match reality. Studies show these opinions are shared by both people who are just meeting them, as well as people who know them well, such as friends and family members.
How Do Narcissists Perceive Themselves Compared to Others?
People with negative or problematic traits can be aware of these traits and can also realize that these qualities create difficulties for themselves or others. In fact, many people do actively want to change their personality for the better. What about narcissists?
In one study, participants rated how socially desirable narcissistic traits, such as arrogance, were (that is, do they have socially desirable consequences?), and how personally desirable they were (that is, do they have positive consequences for themselves)? Those high in narcissism didn’t think these traits were particularly socially desirable—they were just as aware as anyone else that these traits can have a negative impact on others. However, those high in narcissism were more likely to see these traits as being good for themselves. They were also more likely to describe their ideal selves as higher on these traits—meaning they think it would be a good idea to be even more arrogant, condescending, and prone to bragging.
Narcissists Value Status Over Kindness
Studies that ask participants to rate themselves on a variety of interpersonal traits find that narcissists tend to perceive themselves as especially intelligent, extraverted, and physically attractive, and they tend to overestimate themselves on these traits compared to how others view them. However, they don’t have particularly lofty views about how honest and kind they are.
One popular theory is that deep down inside, narcissists secretly feel inferior. But the evidence suggests otherwise. A clever study that used reaction time data to measure automatic, unconscious self-perceptions found that narcissists feel pretty good about themselves. And again, they tended to both consciously and unconsciously inflate their value on agentic traits like attractiveness, extraversion, and intelligence, but not interpersonal traits, like warmth and kindness.
Narcissists simply do not believe that being a nice person is that important. When they choose romantic partners, they put more emphasis on looks and status, relative to kindness, and are happiest when partners meet their standards in those areas. When they are asked about their life goals, they will prioritize wealth and fame, and are happiest when they achieve those goals. Those low in narcissism tend to be more satisfied in relationships with those who are kind and devoted and they are happier in life if they pursue goals like having fulfilling personal relationships and giving back to their community.
Narcissism Essential Reads
Narcissists often seem to know they are interpersonally unpleasant—but they also know those same traits help them gain status, which is what they truly care about. As far as they’re concerned, it’s a feature, not a bug.
