In our years of working with parents, children and schools, we have seen time and again that there is one consistent approach that a parent can have in raising their child that leads to resilience, self-confidence, initiative and the capacity to love. That approach is to love them unconditionally.
First, let’s spend a minute defining what unconditional love actually is and isn’t.
It is not:
It is not acting as though everything your child does is wonderful. Your child — like all of us — may do unkind things, misbehave or break important rules.
It is not constantly saying “I love you “ to your child. That being said, we believe that using those actual words with your child is a key part of raising a child. People will tell us, “My mom never said ‘I love you.'” Even if they sense that their parent loves them, they crave hearing it directly. Some people feel awkward expressing love directly. We would suggest you try to understand the origins of that within yourself to help you overcome it. If your parents did not say it to you, it may not come naturally. Maybe you are afraid you will spoil your child. However, it just helps a child believe in themselves, not become entitled. You will reap the benefits of a deeper, more meaningful connection with your child.
It is not letting your child do whatever they want. Another part of good parenting is setting appropriate limits.
It is:
It is conveying to your child in words and deeds that, though you may impose consequences on misbehavior, though you may sometimes get angry with them, your love for them is unwavering. We think this too is worth saying aloud or at least in writing. Children often feel that if their parent disapproves of them or is angry with them, that means that they no longer love them. If you are willing to articulate that you love them even when you are angry, it will help your child distinguish between anger and loss of love. This will be crucial for them to understand in all of their relationships for years to come.
To really access your unconditional love involves you also grappling with your natural and inevitable disappointments in your child. Maybe they didn’t do well on a crucial test in school because they didn’t really study or because they are cognitively less adept in that subject. Maybe you find out that they got drunk which is against your rules. Maybe they lie to you. Maybe they skip school and go to the movies with friends and you find out. All of these things can make any parent feel angry and/or disappointed in their child. Sometimes, we wish for a child who was gifted in sports, for example, only to have one who hates sports and won’t play on any extracurricular teams. If it isn’t evident to you, you can think about what those anticipated, hoped-for characteristics were and are. Then, you are in the best position to think about how you want to set up consequences for misbehaving and/or come to terms with your child not being who you hoped they would be (see more on that here). This isn’t always easy but it is well worth the effort. Usually your disappointment in your child reflects disappointment in yourself and your child isn’t compensating as you wished.
Your child is a precious and unique being in this world. They will disappoint you, anger you and leave you out of parts of their lives. They will delight you, surprise you, and bolster you. Through it all you love them — all aspects of them — because that is what helps them become the best version of themselves that they can be.
