Kate’s last phone conversation with her brother ended badly—he essentially said, “We’re done,” and hung up. She’s unsure whether to call him back or assume he is again in just one of his moods and let it go.
Alex is job hunting and has received two offers. One offers higher pay, which is near the top of his top priorities, while the other offers less but aligns better with his vision and sense of purpose—which should he choose?
Running our lives involves making decisions and navigating choices. Some are small—what to eat for lunch, what to wear—while others are significant—getting married, moving, or like Kate and Alex, repairing a relationship or choosing a job. Which path should we follow? When in doubt, choose the one that feels more challenging.
Why?
It’s about anxiety
Kate and Alex are struggling because their decisions depend on a future they can’t predict or control. Kate isn’t sure if calling her brother back will improve or worsen things; Alex can’t know if he’ll regret whatever job he chooses at some point. This uncertainty causes anxiety.
Anxiety always concerns the future, and its voice is generally one of caution, sticking to your comfort zone, and choosing what’s easier. If you’re anxious about going to a party where most people are strangers, your anxiety will push you to call in sick and stay home. If you’re anxious about asking your boss for a raise, your anxiety will tell you to let it go and not bother.
The problem with listening to your anxiety is that it works—you don’t face the fear—but because it works, your comfort zone gradually becomes smaller. Only by stepping outside your comfort zone and doing what’s difficult can you stop the shrinking and, by facing these challenges, expand your world and build your self-confidence and self-image. You realize that what your anxiety has been warning you about doesn’t necessarily happen; the world isn’t as threatening as you thought; you become less rigid and more flexible. What’s not to like?
It’s about values
But wait, there’s more—values. This is the other side of decision-making: When in doubt, follow your values. Values differ from shoulds. Shoulds are rules you inherited from authority figures—parents, teachers, ministers. They make you worry about getting in trouble, and when you don’t follow them, a scolding voice rings in your mind; you feel guilty. Shoulds, like anxiety, always present the easier path.
Values, in contrast, are the grown-up version of shoulds where you decide what truly matters, and you create your own personal code of ethics about what it means to be a good and responsible adult in the world—you’re running your life, not others. Just as pushing back against your anxiety can be the harder road, so too can pushing back against the shoulds.
Choosing the easier or more difficult path
When anxiety and shoulds are both present, choosing to listen to both avoids fear and guilt but comes with a cost: the chance to become less afraid, to fully embrace who you are, and to live in a world you can shape. By resisting anxiety and shoulds, you regain power.
So what does this mean for Kate and Alex? While it might seem easier for her to avoid calling her brother back, it could actually be more difficult for her—her instincts and anxiety always push her to try and fix things as quickly as possible. Similarly, Alex’s comfort zone has been sticking to the vision and mission; choosing money might go against his grain.
While making their decision requires each of them to sort through their emotions and reflect on their patterns, ultimately, the criteria is pretty simple: Embrace the challenge.
