Sandra never imagined how much it would hurt to see someone mistreat her child simply because of the color of his skin. As a white mother of a Latino son, Sandra has always worked to instill a sense of pride in her child’s Mexican heritage and Latin American identity. But, despite her efforts, subtle forms of racism—microaggressions—find their way into her child’s world. One afternoon, Sandra’s son comes home upset. A few classmates teased him about his lunch, using stereotypes about “spicy” foods and making assumptions about his family’s immigration status. He also shares a troubling story about a teacher who rarely calls on him, and when she does, her tone is clipped and dismissive, as if she’s expecting him to fail. For Sandra, the pain she feels is real and immediate. These aren’t imagined hurts; these are wounds inflicted by a world that treats her beloved child unfairly.
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The reality becomes even clearer for Sandra watching her own family’s behavior. During holiday gatherings, her parents—who adore their grandson—sometimes make subtle yet hurtful remarks about Sandra’s Mexican American husband, Logan. They’ll ask loaded questions about “how different” his traditions are or comment on the “interesting” way he pronounces certain words. Though they don’t hurl overt slurs, their remarks make Sandra feel embarrassed and angry. These microaggressions highlight the sad reality that not everyone in the family is fully appreciated or understood. When Sandra has tried to address this privately with her parents, they deny everything and imply she is just creating problems. “Logan didn’t seem offended. Why do you have an issue?” they say.
The hurt extends past the victim.
We often focus on the direct harm that microaggressions cause to people of color, and rightly so. But what is less often discussed is how these covert, demeaning behaviors also harm white allies, family members, and friends who witness them. Watching someone you love subjected to racial slights and biased assumptions can leave you feeling helpless, outraged, and ashamed—especially when the source is your own family. For white people who genuinely want to stand up for racial justice, this can be one of the hardest pills to swallow. Despite good intentions and heartfelt commitment, many white people have been socially conditioned not to “make waves”—to remain silent during moments of racial discomfort. Challenging your own family’s behavior or the societal norms you were raised with can feel like swimming upstream.
Social justice is for everyone, not just victims of discrimination.
For white parents, partners, and close friends of people of color, these experiences can be eye-opening. They lay bare the reality that racism is not just a historical artifact or something happening in distant places—it’s woven into everyday interactions. A snide comment from a classmate, a look of suspicion from a stranger, or the subtly lowered expectations of a teacher—the insults accumulate, creating stress and sadness for everyone involved.
Yet, these difficult experiences can remind us of the need for growth and action. When a white family member understands that a loved one’s pain isn’t an isolated incident, but part of a larger pattern of racism, their perspective deepens. Instead of dismissing microaggressions as misunderstandings, they begin to see them as reflections of a systemic problem that needs to be addressed. Recognizing a person’s own internal struggles—to speak up, to break ingrained habits, to resist the pull of complacency—allows for more thoughtful, courageous, and intentional allyship behavior. It might mean respectfully confronting relatives, having honest conversations about cultural humility, or sharing educational resources to deconstruct stereotypes and harmful narratives.
While the pain that white allies feel when they see loved ones harmed by microaggressions is secondary to the direct harm experienced by targets, it is still real and important. Witnessing racism firsthand and grappling with the social conditioning that discourages stopping it can inspire more meaningful allyship. With growing awareness and a willingness to engage in uncomfortable conversations, White allies can push past social conditioning and demand better—within their families, their institutions, and their wider communities. In doing so, they help build a world where no child, no partner, and no friend is abandoned to the subtle or blatant indignities of racial microaggressions.
