As a parent coach for parents of adult children, I hear many stories about not receiving a response or only minimal responses when they text their adult children. They share their understandable hurt feelings and frustrations, and it usually sounds something like this:
Dr. Jeff, I swear she only responds when she wants something from me.
I get so annoyed when they either blow me off, send back a one- or two-word text, or a simple thumbs up, as if I’m supposed to just accept their crumbs when I’m trying to see how they’re doing.
It’s wild when she wants something; she blows up my phone with texts and calls. But then it can feel like forever before she responds to something I’ve texted her.
Did They Stop Caring or Start Protecting?
Based on what I have heard and seen over the years, when text communication drops off, it is rarely about a lack of love. It is often about a quest on the part of the adult child for self-preservation, especially when making life choices or immediate decisions with which you, as a parent, disagree.
Specifically, they may be pulling back because they feel pressured, judged, or emotionally leveraged, even if that was likely not your intent. You may be overreacting a bit if your default interpretation of their lack of response is that they are punishing you rather than protecting themselves.
Even if you are trying to provide helpful guidance, you may be overlooking their need to experience life and grow from their missteps and mistakes. Or perhaps their life choices differ from yours.
Texting From Anxiety vs. Connection
Many well-meaning parents share with me how they are texting from a place of anxiety versus a healthy connection. Yet, as I wrote in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, if your adult child feels unseen, seen but not supported, or emotionally overlooked, they are less likely to respond.
If you send texts like the ones below, it is not that you “should not be doing so” or that it is “wrong” for you to have your concerns. But the following anxiety-related kinds of texts may feel off-putting to your adult child.
Hi, I haven’t heard back from you.
Are you OK?
Did I do something wrong?
Why won’t you respond to me?
Questions like those above can feel emotionally weighty and even pressuring. At the same time, when you send texts that come more from gentle curiosity (see below) rather than persistent pressure, you increase the strength of your connection, even if you don’t get a response.
Being Seen, Not Managed, Keeps the Virtual Door Open
Some sample texts coming from the Gentle Curiosity Department may sound like this:
Hey, I was thinking about you today and wondering how things are going for you.
Hi, just making sure your to-do list hasn’t taken over your life. LOL.
No pressure to respond now; just know I’m thinking about you.
Curious how this week is going for you? Any small wins or challenges?
Hey, I’ve been reflecting on your courage to try something new or keep trying with (friends, work, moving, relationship choice, etc).
I wanted to let you know that I’m thinking about you.
Just laughing to myself about ________.
Texting Takeaways
Contrary to what your instincts tell you, connecting with your adult child over text may not start with a penetrating question or, especially, a prompt for a deep conversation. Instead, you will likely do better if your texts are a source of building trust with gentle curiosity rather than building tension.
