Perfectionists are often more concerned with goals and accomplishments than with their own well-being. Sometimes, we’re so busy trying to please people, avoid criticism, and prove we’re “good enough” that we don’t even realize the toll it’s taking on our mental and physical health.
Are You a Perfectionist?
Perfectionists have impossibly high standards for themselves—and sometimes for others, too. We expect ourselves to excel at everything, achieve our goals effortlessly, and always be agreeable. We derive our self-worth from our accomplishments, which means we’re constantly correcting and perfecting, seeking validation, and trying to prove our worth. It’s a stressful way to live.
How Perfectionism Gets in the Way of Self-Care
Self-care can reduce the effects of stress and prevent perfectionism from harming our physical and mental health. But as perfectionists, we often feel guilty about doing things for ourselves—especially anything that isn’t directly tied to achieving a goal, meeting expectations, or getting more done.
Self-care doesn’t fit our image of perfection. We imagine perfect people as self-sacrificing, low-maintenance, don’t-need-anything types who can run on fumes and still get the job done. Because our expectations are unrealistic, we underestimate our need for rest, boundaries, connection, and fun—and then feel guilty for having those needs in the first place.
But the reality is that we all need self-care. We have to tend to our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs to stay healthy and live fulfilling lives.
Another challenge perfectionists face is our tendency to turn hobbies and games into competitions. Instead of having fun at a casual weekend soccer game, we’re preoccupied with winning or micromanaging the rules. When we enroll in a painting class, we want our work to look exactly like the example. This type of perfectionistic striving can drain the joy from activities that are meant to help us relax and connect.
What Is Self-Care?
Self-care is the practice of consistently tending to our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. It’s doing something healthy and restorative to help us return to balance.
Self-care is often confused with leisure or indulgence. In reality, it isn’t always enjoyable. Going to the dentist is a form of self-care because it protects your health, even if it’s not fun. And not all enjoyable activities are self-care. Eating a bag of potato chips after an exhausting day may feel comforting, but it won’t truly restore your physical or emotional energy.
This doesn’t mean we have to make healthy choices all the time. Most of us have mindlessly eaten chips while binge-watching Netflix. That’s okay, occasionally—we just need to recognize it isn’t the same as quality self-care.
Self-Care Meets a Need
Perfectionism convinces us that we shouldn’t need anything—that we should be able to work without tiring, give without receiving, and achieve without effort. But this isn’t realistic. Everyone has needs. And if we don’t tend to them, we can’t function optimally.
Many of us are used to pushing through at any cost. We sacrifice rest to finish a project or ignore our limits to avoid disappointing someone. But this isn’t sustainable. Meeting our needs through self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential to our health and happiness. Riya illustrates what happens when we consistently prioritize others over ourselves.
Riya’s Story
Riya is someone who will always help you out. If you’re sick, she’ll bring a meal. If your car breaks down, she’ll give you a ride. If you’re behind at work, she’ll stay late and pitch in. She puts everyone else’s needs before her own.
At a recent physical exam, her doctor expressed concern about her high blood pressure and lack of sleep and encouraged her to take better care of herself. But Riya doesn’t see the point. She feels guilty leaving work for a lunch break or going to the gym. She tells herself she can make do with five hours of sleep. Going out with friends after work instead of going straight home feels selfish.
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Like all of us, Riya needs exercise, rest, nourishment, and connection. These aren’t luxuries; they’re normal human needs.
Self-care is an intentional activity done to meet a specific need. Because it’s needs-based, it’s not a reward we have to earn, nor is it selfish. Resting when you’re tired is no different than eating when you’re hungry, even if we’ve learned to judge ourselves for it.
Changing Misconceptions About Self-Care
Many of our barriers to self-care stem from rigid, all-or-nothing thinking. We label things as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong,” and then feel guilty because we put self-care into the “selfish” or “lazy” category.
Which of these common misconceptions about self-care do you recognize?
Self-care is:
- A waste of time
- Lazy
- Selfish
- Weak
- Something that must be earned
Once you recognize how these beliefs contribute to exhaustion or resentment, you can begin to challenge them and create more balanced thoughts.
Instead of “Self-care is selfish,” you might try, “Self-care meets needs, and everyone has needs,” or “It’s healthy to care for myself.” With practice, these reframes will feel more authentic and automatic.
Conclusion
Perfectionism makes it hard to balance work and rest, caring for ourselves and caring for others, and recreation and goal-directed striving. But we can learn to loosen our unrealistic expectations and practice self-care without guilt. Caring for ourselves doesn’t make us inadequate—it helps us stay healthy, grounded, and fully present in our lives.
©Sharon Martin. Excerpted, in part, from the author’s book, The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism.
