“A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.”
Most of us have heard this saying and laughed. Although some psychological theories have overemphasized the mother’s role in a child’s psychological struggles, current thinking is more balanced and views the raising of a child as a collaborative venture. Regardless, a mother’s influence is far-reaching. There is no relationship like it. When my mother died, my grief was unparalleled. It was as though a part of me went with her—the part that was there from my beginning and could never be separated from her. Yet, at the same time, a part of her—her wisdom—stayed with me and lives on.
My mother never studied psychology at a university; life was her professor. Had she chosen a school of psychology, I think it would have been positive psychology. Her approach was values-based with a foundation of positivity.
Here are five life lessons I learned from her based on the values of optimism, responsibility, selflessness, love, creativity, playfulness, and peace.
Optimism
My mother went through a terrible divorce at a time when divorce was shameful. She had a baby, no job, and had to move back in with her parents. Her musical father was so upset that he stopped playing his banjo and never picked up an instrument again. Had her story ended here, it would have been what Don McAdams called a contamination story, but it did not. The next chapter in her life was about meeting my father in the most unexpected way, and the joy that the relationship brought to her life, which made the contamination story morph into a redemption story. When I was discouraged or sad, she would tell me this story and say, “You never know when something good will happen.”
Responsibility
My mother went through severe depression after her divorce and thought her life was over, but she had my toddler sister, whom she loved very much, in her care. She wanted to die but made the decision to live to raise her daughter despite being a single working parent in a day when that was almost unheard of.
You only need one reason to live. When training to be a psychologist, I had a supervisor who advised repeating these same words to suicidal patients. My mother was a living testament to this truth.
Selflessness and Love
My mother never made a cake from a mix, no matter how tired she was or strapped for time. Every cake she baked was made from scratch with love carefully blended into the ingredients. I tried a cake from a mix once. Too much guilt. Never used a cake mix since. What I learned goes deeper.
Parent with as few shortcuts as possible, whether your kids are children or adults. There are so many distractions, so many devices. AI. Videos. Audiobooks. Go the extra mile for your kids. They will remember it. My mother taught me that time spent doing things the long way with kids is precious and creates lasting memories.
Creativity
My mother never went to college. Many women in her generation did not have that opportunity. A woman growing up in a lower-middle-class family had severely limited options. But she knew how to write. “Always write a good introduction and a good conclusion,” my mother repeated when I wrote essays for school.
I have passed this sage advice along to my children as well as my graduate students at Northwest University. Most of my students focus on the middle, whether it is an essay or a doctoral dissertation. I tell them to master the introduction and the conclusion so that they stand out.
Boring papers bore professors and are quickly forgotten. The introduction engages the reader, so they want to read more. The conclusion is what they remember.
Playfulness
Our dining table faced a window. My father and I would often go at it during dinner. As we were revving up, my mother would look out the window and say, “Look at that bird!” We would pause, scan the yard just long enough to calm a little, and reset. My mother never heard of John Gottman or Julie Schwartz Gottman or their conflict management techniques, but she had mastered the technique of introducing humor or distraction into tense moments. Often, conflict was avoided or at least toned down. Distraction lightens conflict. These words were not spoken but lived out.
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Concluding Thought
My mother taught by example what Martin Selgman presented at APA in 2000. Had my mother been in attendance, she would likely have approached him and said, “Thank you, Dr. Seligman, for telling the world that values such as optimism, responsibility, selflessness, love, creativity, playfulness, and peace infuse positivity, inspire hope, and reduce anxiety.” The wisdom she had gathered from life experience aligned perfectly with the precepts he discovered when researching learned helplessness. Is there really anything new under the sun?
