Therapy lingo has become a “thing” on social media, and it is helpful when it illuminates important psychological concepts like “gaslighting” or “trauma bonding.” It can be especially useful in a professional setting when being perceived as emotionally intelligent is important. Possibly the best by-product, however, is that it can prevent you from getting dragged into drama, aggressively taking a side, or bashing anyone. Essentially, by identifying the psychological dynamic beneath the surface, you are providing empathy and wisdom in a constructive and professional manner. Before you try it, however, you may want to do your research to ensure that you are using the terms correctly. Six examples may help clarify how it sounds.
Example 1: Recognizing Triangulation in Workplace Conflicts
Your teammate asks you to lunch because he needs help dealing with a colleague. He explains, “I told him that I was drawing a line and that I would not finish the project for him this time… The next thing I know, he is talking to everyone about me behind my back. He, literally, turned my closest co-worker against me. Now, they are work ‘besties,’ and neither of them will talk to me.”
Response: That hurts, and it is so disappointing. It sounds like triangulation, which is very manipulative. I may have a book that can help.
You highlight that when the co-worker does not get what he wants from a person, he can be passive aggressive, aligning other people with him and against them, which is called “triangulation.”
Example 2: Addressing Victim Stance and Demand for Accountability
Your work friend stops by your office because she is angry and needs to vent. She laments, “I cannot stand being on projects with Dave. I know he has had a hard life, but why do I have to suffer because of it? Every time there is work to do, he complains that he doesn’t feel good, or that the boss is being mean to him, or that his car broke down, or that he just got scammed, or that he is being evicted…. He gets out of doing any work every time! It is infuriating.”
Response: It sounds like he uses a victim stance. That is so frustrating. I read somewhere that it is important to calmly and respectfully hold people accountable—no matter what.
You empathize with your friend, but also highlight the possibility of a cognitive distortion (victim stance) that may need to be confronted.
Example 3: Understanding Projection and Envy in the Workplace
Your friend from another department calls and says, “I am so panicked when I am in meetings with Maureen. I work my tail off and do a fantastic job, which is backed by my client’s feedback and my stats, but she calls me ‘lazy’ and ‘apathetic’ in front of everyone.”
Response: That is so humiliating, and those sound like mischaracterizations. You are none of those things. She may be threatened by your competence and is struggling to handle her jealousy in a healthy manner.
By reassuring her that you believe she is being misperceived, you are supporting her while alerting her to the possibility that the colleague may not be managing her envy in a mature way. When her colleague name-calls, she may be “projecting.”
Example 4: Identifying Codependency and Setting Healthy Boundaries
You ask your co-worker to grab lunch, but she says she can’t because of her suitemate. She says, “Chad needs a lot of help. I feel sorry for him. I help him with all of his projects, and I finish his quotes because he is not good with numbers, but he still throws a fit about his workload, so I end up working through lunch every day just to try and help.”
Response: You feel for Chad, which makes you a good person in my opinion, but it sounds like it has become codependent. My therapist usually advises me to detach and get perspective with certain people. By taking a step back, I can figure out whether I am enabling the person.
This example uses multiple psychosocial terms: codependent, detachment, and enabling, to illuminate the problematic nature of the relationship, and the need for an intervention.
Example 5: Navigating Anxious Attachment Styles in Colleagues
A colleague comes to your office and says, “I really like working with Lisa, but she is so clingy. She cannot do anything without me. I tried to go for walks on my breaks last week and she insisted on coming with me every time. I cannot even go to the bathroom without her following me.”
Response: That’s frustrating. She may have an anxious attachment style. I know how aggravating it can be. Even though it’s difficult, I try to calmly and kindly set boundaries in those situations.
You are identifying the root of the problem is the person’s attachment style, which may not change, so the person may need to implement limits in the relationship.
Example 6: Recognizing Insight and Self-Awareness Deficits
A co-worker approaches you and confides, “Ann continually and incessantly criticizes me for things, but she turns around and does the exact same thing. I cannot take it. She is such a hypocrite.”
Response: That is so irritating. It sounds like she may have deficits with insight and self-awareness.
In this example, you empathize, but also suggest that there may be a flaw in Ann’s emotional maturity, that may prevent her from embodying emotionally intelligent tendencies.
Work relationships can be difficult and continually getting dragged into the middle of drama can be time-consuming and anxiety-inducing. However, the last thing you want is to come off as aloof, detached, and unsupportive of others. You strive to be a safe person to talk to. By attempting to identify the dysfunctional dynamic in a problematic situation, you avoid attacking and bad-mouthing colleagues, which helps you maintain a high level of professionalism. You can find even more information on this topic in my book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist, Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work, and in Life.
