Dating today is hard. There is a haphazard quality to it. People are mindlessly swiping and liking, matching and un-matching, and messaging and then ghosting.
Singles are feeling burnt out and jaded by the casualness of it all. I can’t tell you how often I hear the terms “low effort” and “red flags” in my practice.
There seems to be a general lack of intention and thoughtfulness. There also appears to be a lack of basic communication, respect, and maturity. Ultimately, it seems like there is a real struggle to find and connect with someone who is legitimately emotionally available.
Being “emotionally available” is more than the desire and readiness for a relationship
For most single people, someone being “emotionally available” means they are in a very specific headspace—that they want and are ready for a committed relationship. They aren’t dating for the sake of dating. They aren’t still attached to a previous relationship or hung up on a phantom ex. They aren’t distracted.
However, I firmly believe that the desire and readiness for a relationship are only two aspects of being emotionally available. I believe being emotionally available is so much more.
As a therapist who specializes in abuse and healthy relationships, my definition of emotional availability is “being ready and having the capacity for a mature, mutually respectful, and committed relationship.”
This means that a person (1) is not attached to someone or something that would prevent them from fully committing to a partnership and (2) has the skills and capacity to communicate and problem-solve effectively, express and manage their emotions appropriately, empathize and engage in perspective-taking, and respect the other person’s autonomy and personhood.
These are the qualities both partners need for a healthy relationship grounded in equity, kindness, and mutual respect.
These people do exist
You might be thinking, “Do these people actually exist?” The answer is, yes—they absolutely do. It just might take a little bit longer to meet your emotionally available counterpart.
When you are dating with intention and looking for someone with these qualities who is also aligned with you and a good fit, it requires both time and patience. If you’ve been single for a while, I know this might not be what you want to hear. However, to help you out, I’ve identified five signs—or relationship green flags—that indicate someone is emotionally available.
5 signs the person you are dating is emotionally available
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They are curious and genuinely want to get to know you—and see you as your own person. They not only ask questions, but they also ask follow-up questions and remember the things you’ve shared with them. They want to understand you better—on a deeper level. They like learning about your family, friends, interests, and passions. Even if they can’t relate directly, they appreciate these parts of you.
They also respect that you have a life and identity of your own. There is no expectation for you to abandon these parts of yourself when you are in a relationship. They want you to experience joy and fulfillment outside of the relationship because they are secure in themselves.
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They engage in perspective taking and honor your feelings and experiences. They listen to you and genuinely try to understand your position or perspective. They don’t minimize or dismiss your feelings and experiences. Even if they can’t completely understand, they try to put themselves in your shoes.
You can have healthy disagreements without it resulting in a fallout. There isn’t an expectation for you to take their side or to have identical thoughts and opinions. They respect your right to think for yourself and see you as an equal. They don’t position themselves as the authority on everything.
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They are consistent. They say what they mean, and they mean what they say. Their words and actions match. They don’t give mixed messages. For example, if they say they’re interested and like spending time with you, their actions reflect that sentiment.
Additionally, they follow through when they commit to something or make a promise. They show up when they say they will. And their behavior is generally consistent: their communication, their effort in the relationship, and the responsibilities they take on.
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They take accountability and have humility. When they misstep or make a mistake (as all of us do), they own it. And they don’t just apologize, they work to change their behavior—especially when it has harmed you or hurt your feelings. For example, if they are bad at communicating about plans and you share how this affects you, they take your feedback seriously and work to improve their communication.
They don’t think they are better than others. They are humble and self-aware. They can acknowledge their faults and shortcomings and take accountability when necessary. They aren’t perfect (because no one is), yet actively work to be better, and it shows through their actions.
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They prioritize and take care of their mental health. If they struggle with anxiety, depression or other mental health challenges, they take full responsibility for their mental health needs and treatment. They don’t blame others when they are struggling and they seek support when necessary.
They are able to express and regulate their emotions effectively. They have the skills needed to cope with stressors and don’t expect you to manage their emotions or stress for them. Even when they aren’t completely sure of how they are feeling in the moment, they take time to self-reflect and try to better understand themselves and what they’re going through.
The goal is not perfection
If you’ve been dating for a while now, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve received unsolicited feedback or advice—likely from a friend or loved one who cares about you and just wants to see you happy—to “stop being so picky” (or some version of that). Or maybe you’ve found yourself asking, “Am I being too picky?”
Relationships Essential Reads
To that thought or narrative that your’e “too picky”, I say this: the goal is not perfection, but a meaningful partnership in which you feel safe, seen, respected, and cared for. And if being highly intentional and seeking this type of partnership with someone who is emotionally available is considered”picky”—be picky.
You deserve a quality relationship that will sustain over time and add to your life.
