We often refer to intimate relationships as “partnerships.” But people often use this kind of term mindlessly—without thinking about what it means for two people to actually be “partners.”
The term “partner” should not be taken lightly. In human relationships, coalitions and collaborations have been a hallmark of our species for thousands of generations (see Bingham & Souza, 2009). By forming true partnerships with others, humans have reached the moon, created beautiful cities, formed powerful and beautiful symphonies, and more.
By definition, a partner is someone whom you can count on and who can count on you. Further, in true partnerships, both members of the partnership share the same goals.
As silly as it might sound, think about pickleball. If you are playing singles, then you have no partner and anything achieved toward your goal of winning must come exclusively from you. But now picture playing doubles—with a partner whom you work well with. You play up, they play back. You miss a lob that goes over your head, they dive to the side to smash the ball into play.
In a sporting event that includes partners, such as pickleball, the term “partner” has a very literal meaning. Bringing this kind of understanding of the concept of partnership into one’s intimate relationship may help people frame their relationship and their partner in positive and healthy ways.
Consider the following scenarios:
- You meant to shop for food for dinner after work but you didn’t have time to do so; you text your partner, who immediately orders food online—for you both.
- You planned to do a full load of laundry, from washing machine to folding and putting away, but you got sidetracked by a phone call. Seeing the situation, your partner, happily finishes the job.
- Your partner is struggling with some task at work; they really could use help framing a draft of some important report. You see this struggle and take action to help. And doing so will have all kinds of benefits—benefits for them, benefits for you, benefits for your relationship, and benefits for the organization that they work for.
A Romantic Relationship Is a Form of Squad-Mode
In watching my kids play video games, I’ve learned that in some games, such as Fortnite, there are solo versus squad versions of play. In solo-mode, it is every player for themself. This mode tends to facilitate a pretty selfish mindset.
Yet when you play the game in squad mode, the entire approach that you utilize changes. People play differently. If my partner is low on energy and I have surplus energy, instead of moving forward by myself, it becomes in my interest to back-track a bit to help my partner in need. And vice versa.
Helping your partner ultimately helps you and it helps the broader unit or team that you and your partner represent.
We can think of a romantic relationship as one that is founded on the idea of squad-mode. The second that members of relationships start to go their own ways and have unshared goals, the partnership weakens. But once each member of the relationship understands the “partnership” element of the relationship, things can fall into place. Just as in a squad-mode game of Fortnite, one partner may well put their own goals aside to help care for their partner—knowing fully well that their partner would do the same for them. And this approach to relationships has all kinds of benefits in terms of cultivating validating and positive feelings within the relationship. A relationship that is based on a true partnership mentality is a strong one.
Actions That Foster the Partnership Element of a Relationship
So if you’ve read to this point, odds are that you are curious. You might be thinking “this is all well-and-good, but what can my spouse and I do specifically to cultivate a culture of genuine partnership in our relationship.” Toward this end, I developed the following list as something of a guide:
- Check in on how your partner is feeling (mentally and physically) with regularity. If your partner is not feeling great, help them. The partnership will strengthen as a result.
- Have intentional discussions of goals with your partner. In both pickleball and Fortnite, the goal is for you and your partner to win the game. In a sense, the same is true in life. Being on the same page with one’s partner when it comes to goals in your shared life can strengthen the partnership—leading to positive life outcomes.
- Make sure that your partner feels validated and seen by you. Not only will doing so help your partner’s outlook on their own state of mind, but doing so will likely be appreciated. Your partnership likely will be strengthened.
- Do things together as a team. Maybe you can play pickleball together as teammates. Or have game night with some friends and choose games with teams of two. Or buy ingredients for an apple pie and work together as a team to make a pie from scratch.
At the end of the day, the more that is done with a genuine partner mindset within a relationship, the better.
Bottom Line
In relationships, people often use the term “partner”—but so-often, this term is not thought about mindfully. If you’re in a relationship, taking the time to think about what a partnership actually is may change how you frame the relationship. When both members of a relationship share goals (at multiple levels) and make a point to look out for the welfare of one another—when both members of a relationship take a truly “squad-mode” approach to the relationship— everyone wins. Both members of the relationship benefit from the mutual support and the relationship itself grows.
Relationships Essential Reads
Thousands of generations ago, humans passed over what evolutionary biologist David Sloan Wilson (2007) calls “the great evolutionary divide.” That is, people started to form collaborations (think teams or partnerships) with others that went beyond lines of kinship. Once ancestrally modern humans moved in this direction, we were able to benefit from the fact that a well-functioning team of people can be more effective than any individual person alone. Teams of people who have shared goals can be incredibly powerful when working together.
From this backdrop, we can think of a relationship as a team. To the extent that these individuals see one another as partners in the literal sense, the relationship gains the capacity to flourish.
Next time that you use the term “partner” to describe your spouse or someone with whom you have a close and long-term relationship, think about the literal meaning of the term. You may well find that doing so is a powerful exercise in thinking about how to cultivate a truly loving relationship.
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Dedication: To my wife and best friend: Shannon—so lucky to have you as my partner.
