Do you back down when setting boundaries or allow others to mistreat you? Do you ignore your own needs to satisfy someone else’s? Do you dismiss or minimize your feelings? Do you skip self-care because you’re busy taking care of everyone else and think you can do without? In other words, do you consistently prioritize other people’s well-being over your own?
If so, you may have a hard time choosing yourself.
Choosing to care for others and make them happy sounds like a good thing. But when you do it at your own expense, you’re not being kind to yourself. Choosing yourself doesn’t mean ignoring other people’s needs or becoming selfish. It means recognizing that your needs, feelings, and well-being matter just as much as everyone else’s.
Sometimes, you need to choose yourself. You need to take care of yourself and do what’s best for you.
Choosing yourself means:
- Asking for what you need
- Standing up for yourself
- Validating your feelings
- Taking care of your body, mind, and spirit
- Treating yourself like a good friend
- Setting boundaries
- Staying true to your values and beliefs
- Doing what’s right for you
I imagine those things all sound good and important. So why is it so hard to choose yourself?
Is Choosing Yourself Selfish?
You might have trouble choosing yourself because it seems selfish or uncaring. However, you can put yourself first while still considering other people’s needs.
I’m not suggesting that you never think about or attend to other people’s needs. Healthy adult relationships involve give and take. Sometimes, we postpone our own needs while caring for someone else—and that’s appropriate.
But when we do this too often, we compromise our physical and emotional health. We end up exhausted, resentful, and unfulfilled.
Sometimes, your needs have to come first—because your needs matter just as much as everyone else’s.
Start Believing You Matter
You might also have trouble choosing yourself because you don’t believe you matter.
You might believe that a person’s worth has to be earned and that only certain people are worthy of love, happiness, or security. Or you might compare yourself to others and conclude that you don’t measure up. You tell yourself you’re not as smart, attractive, funny, or successful as other people, so your opinions, needs, feelings, and boundaries don’t count.
Unfortunately, you may have been treated as though you didn’t matter or even told that you didn’t. These are painful beliefs to carry, but they can be changed. You can begin to recognize your inherent worth by changing both your thoughts and your behaviors.
To change your thoughts, start by paying attention to them. Instead of accepting every thought as fact, get curious. Ask yourself where it came from and whether it’s actually true.
Even if you’ve believed something about yourself for a long time, consider that it may be based on someone else’s opinion rather than reality. Ultimately, you get to choose what you believe about yourself, and you can choose thoughts that reflect your inherent worth.
You can also build self-worth by treating yourself like a beloved friend. When you treat yourself well, your actions say, “I matter. I’m worth it.”
This can include eating when you’re hungry, resting when you’re tired, exercising, validating your feelings, enjoying simple pleasures, spending time in nature, pursuing hobbies, spending time with supportive people, voicing your opinions, setting boundaries, comforting yourself when you’re struggling, or writing in a journal.
I recommend identifying two or three caring actions to do for yourself every day. Write them down and follow through.
How to Start Choosing Yourself
Understandably, many people fear that standing up for themselves will hurt their relationships. And that may be true to some extent. But standing up for yourself isn’t selfish, and it doesn’t mean you don’t care about other people’s needs or wants.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and support. People who genuinely care about you want you to speak up for yourself, get your needs met, and become a happier, more confident, and more independent person. They’re willing to compromise and care about what’s important to you.
On the other hand, do you know people who prefer that you act like a doormat or don’t seem to care whether you’re fulfilled, happy, or confident? More importantly, why would you want a close relationship with someone who wants so little for you?
You may have relationships like this, even though they aren’t the relationships you truly want. It’s hard to let go of people we care about—or are related to—even when those relationships aren’t good for us.
However, even if the people in your life don’t encourage you to choose yourself, you can still do it. You don’t have to wait for someone else to give you permission, because chances are, you’ll never get it.
You can start by setting boundaries, asking for what you need, sharing your feelings and opinions, and prioritizing self-care.
Yes, some people may resist these changes. Over time, some will adjust and may even appreciate the more assertive, confident, and fulfilled version of you. Others may not, and you’ll need to decide whether—and how—you want them to remain part of your life.
Only you can decide if it’s time to start choosing yourself. If you’re ready, take one small step today. And if you’re not, know that you can start choosing yourself whenever you’re ready.
©Sharon Martin. Adapted from an article published on the author’s website.
